2-4

by 太宰治

“I went to town this morning for an urgent matter at the dojo,” Take-san said in her usual voice.

“A souvenir, perhaps?” I asked in a dispirited voice, feeling somehow disappointed.

“Isn’t it cute? It’s a Wisteria Maiden. Put it away,” she said in a calm, sisterly tone, and then she left.

I felt bewildered. I wasn’t happy at all. Just the day before, I had resolved to genuinely appreciate people’s kindness, but for some reason, I couldn’t feel grateful for Take-san’s gesture. It was a feeling that hadn’t changed since I first came to the dojo, and now it was unmovable. Take-san was the assistant group leader and a respectable person trusted by everyone in the dojo, so I should be more composed. It’s different from Maa-bou. Buying such a trivial doll and calling it a Wisteria Maiden, she must be out of her mind.

While eating, I gazed at the bamboo craft doll, about two inches tall, that was called the Wisteria Maiden, but the more I looked, the uglier it seemed. Her taste was really bad. This must have been something gathering dust at a station souvenir shop. Kind people are always bad at shopping, and it seemed Take-san was no exception. Maa-bou, who was a bit of a delinquent, made much more thoughtful purchases. It couldn’t be helped. I was at a loss as to what to do with the bamboo craft and even considered giving it back, but given my solemn resolve the day before to cherish my delicate pride, like a violet flower, I sadly decided to put the souvenir away in my bedside drawer for now.

However, if I write too much about Take-san, you might get excited again, so I’ll stop here. Anyway, after that lunch, I went to the washroom as Maa-bou had instructed. Maa-bou was standing with his back pressed against the furthest wall of the washroom, facing me and chuckling. I felt a fleeting sense of displeasure.

"You do things like this sometimes, don't you?" I said, words I hadn't expected coming out of my mouth.

"Huh? Why?" she asked, looking up at my face with wide eyes, a slight smile playing on her lips. I was dazzled.

"Sometimes you bring your students here," I started to say, but then it struck me as a terribly vulgar thing to say, and I faltered.

"Oh? In that case, let's not," she said lightly, then bent her upper body forward as if bowing and started to walk away.

"I brought a letter," I said, holding out the letter.

"Thank you," she said, taking it without a hint of a smile, "Hibari, you're hopeless after all."

"Why am I hopeless?" I found myself on the defensive.

"You thought I was that kind of woman, Hibari," she said, her face pale, looking directly into my eyes, "Aren't you ashamed?"

"I am ashamed." I readily admitted defeat. "I burned it."

Maa-bou laughed, her gold tooth glinting.

"I read that letter." I had intended to scold her thoroughly, but receiving a trivial Fujimusume souvenir from Take-san had thrown me off, and I even felt a sense of guilt towards Maa-bou. When I came to the washroom feeling almost depressed, Maa-bou was so alluring that the most shameful jealousy a man could feel arose in me, and I blurted out something completely inappropriate, was immediately questioned by Maa-bou, and now I was almost completely defeated.

"I read it all. It was interesting. Tsukushi is a good person, isn't she? I've grown to like her." I was only saying shallow, insincere compliments.

"But this letter is a surprise," Ma-bo said, tilting her head thoughtfully and spreading out the stationery to examine it.

"Yeah, I was a bit surprised too." In my case, it was because it was so poorly written that it was surprising.

"It's truly surprising." For Maa-bou, it seemed to be a matter of great importance.

"You sent a letter too, didn't you?" I said something unnecessary again and felt a chill.

"I did," she said, completely unfazed.

I suddenly lost interest.

"Then you seduced him. You're like a delinquent girl. That's what you call an 'otanchin.' You also call it 'miichan haachan,' or 'chinpira,' or 'toppinshan.' How outrageous, you are!" I hurled insults at her with all my might, but Ma-bo, far from getting angry this time, burst out laughing.

"Listen seriously. Especially, Tsukushi has a wife. This is no laughing matter, you know."

"That's why I sent a thank-you note to his wife. When Tsukushi left the dojo, I saw him off to the town station, and at that time, his wife gave me two pairs of white tabi socks, so I sent a thank-you note to his wife."

"Is that all?"

"That's all."

"Oh, I see." I brightened up. "So that's all it was."

"Yes, that's right. And yet, she sent me such a letter, I hated it, hated it so much I writhed in agony."

"You don't have to writhe in agony. You actually like Tsukushi, don't you?"

"I do."

"Oh, I see." I started to lose interest again. "She's making a fool of me. It's boring. There's nothing you can do if you fall in love with someone who's already married. They looked like a happily married couple."

"But there's nothing I can do even if I like Hibari, is there?"

"What are you talking about? That's a different story." I became increasingly displeased. "You're insincere. I'm not trying to make you like me at all."

"Idiot, idiot. Hibari doesn't know anything. Even though she doesn't know anything, Hibari..." she started to say, then spun around and cried out with a whimper. And then, writhing in agony, she said,

"Go away!" she said forcefully.

I was at a loss as to what to do. As I wandered around the washroom with a pout, I somehow felt like crying along with him.

"Ma-bo," my voice trembled as I called out. "Do you like Tsukushi that much? I like Tsukushi too. She was a kind and good person. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to like Tsukushi. Cry, cry, cry your heart out. I'll cry with you."

Why did I say something so pretentious? Looking back now, it feels like something that happened in a dream. I tried to cry, but my eyes only grew warm, and not a single tear came out. I opened my eyes wide and silently gazed at the yellowed ginkgo tree on the tennis court from the bathroom window.

"Hurry," Ma-bo had quietly appeared beside me at some point, and said in an eerily calm and composed tone, "Go back to your room. It's not good if people see you."

"I don't care if I'm seen. I'm not doing anything wrong." Even as I said that, my heart strangely fluttered.

"Hibari is such a fool," he muttered to himself, gazing at the tennis court from the washroom window beside me. "The dojo has changed since Hibari came. You don't know anything, do you? Hibari's father is an amazing person, I hear. The head of the facility said so once. He's a world-renowned scholar, apparently."

"He's world-renowned because he's poor." A sudden wave of loneliness washed over me. I hadn't seen my father in two months. I wondered if he was still blowing his nose so loudly that the sliding doors rattled.

"She has good lineage, doesn't she? When Hibari came, the dojo suddenly became so bright. Everyone's feelings changed too. Even Take-san said he'd never seen such a good child. Take-san is someone who rarely gossips about others, but he's smitten with Hibari. It's not just Take-san, but Kintoto and Tamanegi too, everyone feels the same. But we're all being careful not to get close to Hibari, so that the students don't spread nasty rumors and cause her trouble."

I gave a wry smile. What stingy affection that was.

"That's what 'keeping one's distance' means. It means you don't like her."

"Oh, that's not true." Ma-bo lightly patted my back, then gently left her hand there. "I'm different. I don't like Hibari at all, so it's fine for us to talk like this, just the two of us. Don't misunderstand. I, —"

I quietly moved away from Ma-bo's side, and said,

"At most, I'll correspond with Tsukushi. To be frank, I was appalled by how bad Tsukushi's handwriting is."

"I know. I showed you her bad letter because it was bad. If it were a good letter, why would I show it to anyone? I don't care about Tsukushi at all. You shouldn't make fun of people like that." Her words and demeanor became overtly vulgar and crude, as if she were a different person. "I'm already beyond hope. You don't know, do you? You're so dense, you don't notice. Everyone is already saying that you and I are an item. What are you going to do? Is it okay for them to say that?"

She lowered her face, thrust out her right shoulder, and giggled, pushing me hard with the tip of her shoulder.