3-1

by 太宰治

I have no hesitation in correcting my mistakes. A new man is quick to start over. On my way back to my room from the washroom, I fortunately met Maa-bou in front of the charcoal room.

"What about the letter?" I immediately asked.

She shook her head silently, her eyes vague as if staring into the distance.

"Did you put it in the bed drawer?" I asked. I thought that perhaps when she went to get the towel earlier, she might have thrown that letter into my bed drawer, but she just shook her head and didn't answer. This is what I dislike about women. She's like a borrowed cat. I thought she could do as she pleased, but I had a duty to care for Maa-bou's pitiful pride. I said in a gentle voice, like stroking a cat,

"I'm sorry about earlier. The meaning of that song is," I began,

"That's enough," she said, as if throwing it away, and quickly left. It was an unusually sharp tone. I felt as if I had been stabbed. Women are truly amazing. When I returned to my room, I lay down on the bed and loudly shouted in my heart, "All is lost."

However, at dinner, it was Maa-bou who brought the tray. With a cool and composed expression, she placed the tray on the small table by my bedside. As she was leaving, she stopped by Katapan, and suddenly, as if a different person, she started telling trivial jokes and began to make a fuss, giggling. Then she slapped Katapan's back, and Katapan said, "Hey!" and tried to grab Maa-bou's hand.

"Oh no!" she cried, running away, and came up to me, putting her mouth close to my ear.

"I'll show you this. Tell me what it means later," she said very quickly, handing me a small, folded letter. Then she turned back towards the hard bread and

"Hey, Katapan, confess!" she shouted. "Who was singing 'Oedo Nihonbashi' on the tennis court?"

"I don't know, I don't know," Katapan denied vehemently, his face red.

"I even know Edo Nihonbashi," Kappore muttered in a displeased tone and began to eat.

"Everyone, please take your time," Maabo said with a smile, bowed to everyone, and left the room. I couldn't make heads or tails of it. I felt like Maabo was toying with me, and it wasn't very pleasant. And so, a letter was left in my hand. I didn't want to read someone else's letter. However, to spare Maabo's small pride, I had to read it. Thinking it was troublesome, I secretly read it after dinner, but no, it was truly a wonderful letter. Was it a love letter? I had no idea. It was truly surprising that such a sensible and quiet Nishioka Tsukushi would write such a ridiculous letter behind the scenes. Do all adults hide such a foolish, sweet side? Anyway, I'll try to copy down the contents of that letter. In the washroom, I was only allowed to read a small part of the last page, but this time, I was handed all three pages of the letter from the beginning. The full text of that great letter is as follows.

"The opening reads: 'At Dojo-no-Mori, a place of past memories, I lean by the window, quietly envisioning what could be called a new page in life, as I gaze at the ebbing and flowing waves. The quietly approaching waves... yet, whitecaps fiercely roar offshore. And because the sea breeze rages.' What does that even mean? No wonder Maabo was perplexed. It's more difficult to understand than the Manyoshu. Tsukushi left this dojo and then went to a hospital in Hokkaido, Tsukushi's hometown, and that hospital seems to be built by the sea. That much I can understand, but as for the rest, I have no idea what it means. It's an unusual piece of writing. I'll try to copy a little more. The context becomes increasingly mysteriously erratic."

"When the evening moon sinks into the waves, when darkness assails the night, there is a star's light in the sky to guide my soul to you. Though the world changes and falters, let us strive to live life righteously! Man! Man! Man! Let's go forth with all our might. I wish to call you my sister here and now. I have been given a talent, shall I say, or what should I call it? Ah, it would be better to call you my lover and love you passionately."

I have no idea what he's talking about. And from this point on, the context becomes increasingly bizarre and wild. It's truly like a raging storm.

"It is not a person, not a thing, but knowledge, the root of work, and what should be loved morning and evening every day is science and the beauty of nature. Together, these two will wholeheartedly love me, and I too love them passionately. Ah, I have gained a sister, I have gained a lover, oh, how happy I am. My sister, I believe you will wholeheartedly understand these feelings and aspirations of your brother. Therefore, I consider you my sister and intend to continue sending you letters. You will understand, my sister.

I apologize for the overly formal writing. And I'm sorry to call you, to whom I owe so much, my sister, but I trust you will understand. When you reach your age, both men and women think about many things, but please try not to overthink or dwell on deep, deep matters. I, too, am leaving the secular world. The weather is nice today, but the wind is strong. Great nature! I will play, weeping! I believe you understand. I hope you will thoroughly savor and repeatedly reread this letter today. Thank you, Masako-chan, keep up the good work, my beloved sister.

Finally, a word from your brother.

It has been a long time since we last met; how are you doing, my dear sister?

To Masako-sama, from your brother Kazuo."

First, to put it simply, this is a letter from Nishiwaki Kazuo. It feels strange to add "brother" to my own name, but let's set that aside for now. This letter is completely incomprehensible, except for one Manyo poem. I think it's terrible. Even if I tried to imitate it, I couldn't possibly write something like that. It's truly unprecedented. However, Nishiwaki Kazuo is by no means insane. He is a shy and gentle person. It's truly mysterious how such a good person could write such a chaotic letter. It's no wonder Ma-bo wanted to say, "Tell me what it means." If you received a letter like this, you'd have no choice but to be troubled. Should I call it a masterpiece, or a demonic text? As I copied that great writing, my wrist strangely became heavy, and I couldn't write well. I'll take my leave now. I'll come again another time.

October 5th

I apologize that the day before yesterday, overwhelmed by your masterpiece, Tsukushi-dono, my pen trembled and I couldn't write, resulting in a truncated letter. That day, after dinner, as I read the letter in a daze, Ma-bo peeked his face through the corridor window and gave me a silent gaze, as if to say, "Did you read it?" I responded with a slight nod. Then, Ma-bo also nodded seriously. It seems he's terribly concerned about that letter. I felt a strange indignation at that moment, thinking Nishiwaki-san was a sinful person. And Ma-bo seemed unbearably endearing. I confess, ever since then, I've started to feel a fresh attraction to Ma-bo again. It means I'm no longer an insensitive man. Somehow, it just happened. Autumn, it seems, is not good. Indeed, autumn is a sad thing. One shouldn't laugh. I'm serious.

I'll tell you everything. The day after that big cleaning, Ma-bo appeared at my doorway at eight in the morning, carrying a brass basin. With an expression as if she was suppressing laughter, she came straight to me. I hadn't expected Ma-bo to be my turn so early, so I unconsciously whispered, "That's good." I was happy.

"You're just saying that," Ma-bo said grumpily, and quickly began my friction. "It was Take-san's turn this morning. Take-san had other errands, so I took her place. Is that bad?" Her tone was very nonchalant. I was a little dissatisfied with it, so I remained silent without answering. Ma-bo also remained silent. Gradually, it became suffocating and cramped. When I first came to this dojo, I used to get strangely nervous and feel unwell during Ma-bo's friction, and that tension had returned, making me feel terribly cramped. The friction ended.

"Thank you," I said in a sleepy voice.

"Give me back the letter!" Ma-bo whispered, in a low but sharp voice.

"It's in the drawer by the pillow," I said, grimacing while lying on my back. I was clearly in a bad mood.

"Alright, after lunch, could you come to the washroom for a bit? I'll give it back to you then."

With that, she left quickly without waiting for my reply.

She was strangely distant. The moment I showed a little kindness, she would immediately become so blunt. Very well, in that case, I have a plan too. I decided I would give her a thorough scolding and waited for the lunch break.

Take-san brought lunch. A small bamboo doll was placed in the corner of the tray. I looked up at Take-san and asked with my eyes, "What is this?" Take-san grimaced and shook her head vigorously, making a gesture as if to say, "Don't tell anyone." I nodded with a somber expression. It was completely incomprehensible.