Twenty-four to twenty-five

by Natsume Sōseki

I gradually regained my energy as I received treatment from my wife. Being aware of this change, I thought I would try the same thing with K this time. I had understood well through our long relationship that there were significant differences in personality between K and me, but since I entered this family, I had been feeling my nerves gradually easing. I thought that K's heart might also settle down if he stayed here for a while.

K was a man with a stronger determination than I had. He must have studied more than twice as much as I did, and his innate intelligence was far superior to mine. Due to our different specializations, I can't say for sure later on, but while we were in the same grade, both in middle school and high school, K was always in the top seats. I was always aware that no matter what I did, I could never measure up to K. However, when I forcibly brought K into my home, I believed that I understood things better than he did. To my eyes, he seemed not to understand the difference between endurance and patience.

I particularly want to convey this point to you and hope you will listen. Our bodies and minds grow or, conversely, are broken by external stimuli, and it is natural that the stimuli need to be gradually intensified. If we proceed thoughtlessly, we risk heading in a very detrimental direction, and there is a fear that neither we nor those around us will notice. According to doctors, there is nothing as lazy as the human stomach. If one only eats porridge, the ability to digest hard foods is lost before one realizes it. Therefore, doctors say we should train ourselves to eat anything. However, I believe this does not simply mean getting used to it. It must mean that as the stimuli increase, the resistance of nutritional functions becomes stronger. If, on the contrary, the strength of the stomach gradually weakens, one can easily imagine the consequences. K was a greater man than I, but he was completely unaware of this. It seems he believed that if one becomes accustomed to difficulties, eventually those difficulties will become nothing. He thought that if one repeatedly endures hardships, there will come a time when those hardships will no longer matter.

I wanted to clarify that to K, but I felt that if I said it, he would definitely react negatively. I also thought that he would surely bring up examples from the past. If that happened, I would have to clearly differentiate between him and those people. It would be fine if K could accept that, but due to his personality, once the discussion progressed that far, he wouldn't back down easily. Furthermore, as the conversation continued, he would try to realize what he said through action. He became a terrifying man in that situation. He was great. He moved forward while destroying himself. Ultimately, he was great in the sense that he shattered his own success, but he was never ordinary. Knowing his temperament well, I ended up being unable to say anything. Moreover, from my perspective, he seemed to be somewhat falling into a state of nervous breakdown. Even if I could persuade him, he would surely become furious. I was not afraid of fighting with him, but considering my own inability to endure loneliness, it felt wrong to push my best friend into the same solitude. I wanted to avoid pushing him into an even lonelier situation. So, even after he moved into my house, I decided not to say anything critical to him for a while and to quietly observe the influence he had on his surroundings.

In the background, I asked his wife and daughter to talk to K more. I believed that his silent life was having a negative impact on him. Just as unused iron rusts, I could only think that rust was forming in his heart.

The wife was laughing and saying, "He is a person who can't connect." The daughter also gave me an example to explain. When I asked if there was fire in the hibachi, K answered, "No," and when I said I would bring some, he refused, saying, "I don't need it." When I asked if he wasn't cold, he said, "It's cold, but I don't need it," and he wouldn't respond any further. I could only smile wryly. I felt sorry for him, and I thought I had to somehow smooth things over in that situation. However, since it was spring, there was no need to force him to warm himself by the fire, but under these circumstances, I thought it was understandable that he was said to be "unable to connect."

So I made an effort to be as much at the center as possible, trying to facilitate communication between the wife, the daughter, and K. I would call the family when K and I were talking, or pull K into the same room where the family and I were, trying to bring them closer together in various ways depending on the situation. Of course, K didn't like that very much. At one point, he suddenly stood up and went outside the room. At another time, he wouldn't come out no matter how much I called. He was thinking, "What’s interesting about such pointless conversation?" I was just laughing, but deep down, I understood that K looked down on me for that reason.

I may have been deserving of his contempt in a sense. It could be said that the direction of his gaze was far higher than mine. I do not intend to deny that. However, having only high aspirations while being out of touch with the outside world is an unavoidable flaw. Above all, I thought it was most important to make him more human. No matter how filled his mind was with images of great people, I realized that it would be of no use unless he himself became great.

Therefore, I considered the first means to make him more human was to have him sit next to a woman. In doing so, I attempted to expose him to the atmosphere that surrounded her and to rejuvenate his rusted blood.

This attempt gradually began to succeed. What initially seemed difficult to merge gradually started to come together as one. He seemed to be slowly beginning to realize that there was a world beyond himself. One day, he said to me something like that women should not be objects of contempt. Apparently, at first, he sought knowledge and scholarship from women just as he did from me, and when he could not find it, he quickly harbored feelings of contempt. Until now, he had not known how to change his perspective based on gender, observing all men and women uniformly with the same gaze.

I told him, "If it were just the two of us, talking as men forever, we would only be moving straight ahead." He agreed with that. At that time, I might have naturally started using such words because I was a bit preoccupied with the young lady. However, I did not reveal a single word of my true feelings to him.

Seeing his heart, which had been locked away in books until now, gradually open up was the most delightful thing for me. I started this action with that very purpose from the beginning, so I couldn't help but feel joy accompanying my success. Instead of telling him directly, I shared my thoughts with his wife and daughter. Both of them seemed satisfied.