Twenty-two to twenty-three

by Natsume Sōseki

After the incident with K settled down, I received a long letter from his sister's husband. K told me that the place he was adopted to was related to this person, and that this person's opinion had a significant influence when he was arranged for adoption and when he was reinstated.

The letter asked for news about how K was doing. It also included a request to receive a reply as soon as possible because his sister was worried. K preferred this sister, who married into another family, over his brother who took over the temple. They were siblings born of the same mother, but there was quite an age difference between K and his sister. Therefore, when K was small, this sister likely felt more like a real mother to him than his stepmother did.

I showed the letter to K. He didn't say anything, but he confided that he had received similar letters from his sister two or three times. K said that he replied each time that there was no need to worry. However, unfortunately, this sister married into a family that was not financially well-off, so no matter how much she sympathized with K, she could not help her brother materially.

I sent a reply to his brother-in-law similar to K's. In it, I conveyed in strong words to reassure him that I would take care of anything that might happen. This was, of course, my own decision. While I wanted to provide reassurance to K's sister, who was worried about his future, there was also a stubbornness towards his family and adoptive family, who had looked down on me.

K returned to the registry during his first year. From then until about the middle of his second year, for about a year and a half, he was supporting himself alone. However, it seemed that the excessive effort gradually began to affect his health and mind. Of course, the worry about whether to leave the foster family must have also had an impact. He gradually became sentimental and sometimes felt as if he alone was shouldering all the misfortunes of the world. And when he tried to dispel that feeling, it would quickly intensify. Moreover, he felt that the light awaiting him in the future was gradually receding, which made him anxious. When one starts studying, everyone embarks on a new journey with great aspirations, but after a year or two, as graduation approaches, it is common to realize that one's steps have become sluggish and to feel disappointed. The same was true for K, but his sense of urgency was far more intense than that of an ordinary person. I finally thought that calming his feelings was the most important thing.

I told K to stop doing unnecessary work. I advised him that it would be better for his future to take a break and have some fun for a while. Knowing K's stubbornness, I expected that he wouldn't easily listen to what I said, but when I actually said it, I found it more difficult to persuade him than I thought, which troubled me. K insisted that studying was not his goal and stated that his belief was to cultivate willpower and become a strong person. He concluded that in order to do that, he had to place himself in as harsh an environment as possible. To an ordinary person, it seems almost insane. However, his will in that constricting environment was not strong at all. Rather, he seemed to be falling into a state of nervous breakdown. I had no choice but to show an attitude of great sympathy towards him. I eventually stated that I intended to advance my life in that direction as well. (After all, this was not entirely empty words for me. As I listened to K's arguments, he had the power to gradually draw me into such thoughts.) In the end, I suggested that I wanted to live with K and walk the path of improvement together. I dared to kneel before him to bend his stubbornness. And gradually, I brought him to my house.

My tatami room had an adjoining four-tatami mat room that served as a waiting area. It was very inconvenient practically, as one had to cross this four-tatami mat room to get to where I was after going up the entrance. I placed K here. At first, I intended to set up two desks side by side in the same eight-tatami mat room and share the next room, but K said he preferred to be alone even in a cramped space and chose that for himself.

As I mentioned before, my wife was initially opposed to my decision. She says that if it's a boarding house, it's more convenient for two than one, and for three than two, but since it's not a business, it's better to avoid it as much as possible. When I said that I am certainly not a troublesome person, she replied that even if I am not troublesome, she dislikes having someone she doesn't know well around. When I pressed her, asking if that wasn't the same as me being a bother now, she explained that she understood my character well from the beginning. I smiled wryly. Then, she changed her reasoning again and said that it would be bad for me to bring such a person, so she wanted me to stop. When I asked why it would be bad for me, she just smiled wryly in response.

To be honest, I didn't really need to be with K. However, I thought that if I laid out the monthly expenses in front of him in the form of money, he would surely hesitate to accept it. He was a man with a strong sense of independence. So, I decided to keep him in my house and quietly pass the food for two into my wife's hands without him knowing. However, I had no intention of revealing anything about K's financial issues to my wife.

I only talked about K's health. If left alone, he would become increasingly eccentric. In addition, I discussed various things, such as how K was not getting along well with his foster family and how he had become separated from his real family. I told her that I intended to take K in, ready to embrace him like a drowning person and transfer my warmth to him. For that reason, I asked my wife and daughter to take care of him warmly. It was only after reaching this point that I was finally able to persuade my wife. However, K, who knew nothing, did not understand this situation at all. I, on the other hand, found satisfaction in that and greeted K, who had sluggishly moved in, with a nonchalant expression.

His wife and daughter kindly helped him with his luggage and took care of various things. I interpreted everything as coming from their goodwill towards me and felt joy in my heart. -- Despite K still looking plump as ever.

When I asked K for his impressions of the new residence, he simply replied, "Not bad." From my perspective, it was far from just "not bad." The place he had been in until now was a damp, smelly, dirty room facing north. The meals were just as poor as the surroundings. Moving into my home, he felt as if he had transitioned from a deep valley to a tall tree. His apparent indifference to it stemmed from his stubbornness, but it also came from his own beliefs. Influenced by Buddhist teachings, he viewed luxury in clothing, food, and shelter as immoral. Having read the biographies of ancient high priests and saints, he may have developed a tendency to want to separate the spirit from the body. He even felt that by training the body, the spiritual light would increase.

I adopted a policy of not opposing him as much as possible. I devised a way to place the ice in the sun to melt it. Eventually, when it melted and turned into warm water, I believed the time would come when he would notice it himself.