Twenty to twenty-one

by Natsume Sōseki

K and I enrolled in the same department. K always had a calm expression and began to walk the path he liked with the money sent from his foster family. It seemed that within his heart, there coexisted an unknown sense of security and the courage to not mind being known. K was much more at ease than I was.

During the first summer vacation, K did not return to his country. He said he would rent a room in a temple in Komagome to study. I returned in early September, but he had really locked himself away in a dirty temple near the Great Kannon. His room was a narrow space right next to the main hall, but he seemed to be happy studying there as he pleased. At that time, I felt his life gradually becoming more monk-like. He had prayer beads on his wrist. When I asked him what they were for, he mimicked counting one or two with his thumb. Apparently, he seemed to be counting the beads multiple times a day. However, I could not understand the meaning of it. Counting each round bead, there is no end no matter how far you count. What feelings did K have when he stopped that hand? It may be trivial, but I often think about it.

I also found a Bible in his room. I had heard him mention the names of sutras many times before, but since I had never asked or answered anything about Christianity, I was a bit surprised. I couldn't help but ask why. K said, "There is no reason." He also said, "If it is a book that people cherish so much, it is only natural to read it." Furthermore, he mentioned that if he had the opportunity, he would also like to read the Quran. He seemed to have a great interest in the words Muhammad and sword.

In the summer of his second year, he finally returned to the country after receiving a summons from the government. It seems he did not talk about his specialization at all after coming back. Perhaps he did not even realize this at home. Since you have received a formal education, you probably understand these circumstances well, but society is surprisingly ignorant about students' lives and school regulations. What is nothing to us is completely uncommunicated to the outside world. We tend to assume that everything within the school is widely known because we are only breathing the internal air. In that regard, K seemed to know more about the outside world than I did. He returned with a calm expression. Since I was with him when he left the country, I asked K, "How was it?" the moment we got on the train. K replied, "It didn't matter."

The third summer was the year I decided to leave my parents' grave forever. At that time, I encouraged K to return to the country, but he did not agree. "What do you do every year when you come back?" he said. Apparently, he intended to stay and study again. I had no choice but to leave Tokyo alone. As I have written before, I will not repeat how tumultuous those two months spent in my hometown were for my fate. I carried my complaints, melancholy, and the loneliness of solitude in my heart and met K again in September. Then, his fate had also changed, just like mine. Unbeknownst to me, he had sent a letter to his foster family, confessing his deception. It seems he had been prepared for this from the beginning. Perhaps he thought that since it was too late, he had no choice but to do what he liked. In any case, it seems he did not intend to continue deceiving his foster parents even after entering university. He may have also seen that even if he tried to deceive them, it would not last long.

When K's foster father saw the letter, he became very angry. He immediately sent a stern reply stating that he could not send educational funds to someone who deceives their parents. K showed it to me. Along with that letter, K also showed me a letter received from his family home. This letter contained equally harsh words of reproach. Perhaps because of the feeling of guilt towards the foster family, it was also written that they would not mind at all. Whether K would return to his family due to this incident, or find another way to compromise and still remain with the foster family, that was a problem to be addressed in the future, but for now, what needed to be resolved was the monthly educational funds required.

I asked K if he had any thoughts on that matter. K replied, "I plan to become a night school teacher." At that time, compared to now, society was surprisingly tolerant, so there were more part-time job opportunities than you might think. I thought K would be able to manage just fine with that. However, I had my own responsibilities. When K tried to go his own way against the wishes of the foster family, it was I who supported him. That said, I couldn't just sit back and do nothing. I offered material support on the spot. But K immediately refused it without hesitation. Given his personality, it seemed far more agreeable for him to be self-sufficient than to be under the protection of friends. He said that since he had entered university, he had to manage on his own; otherwise, he wouldn't be a man. I couldn't hurt K's feelings in order to fulfill my responsibilities. So, I let him do as he wished and withdrew my support.

K quickly found the job he desired. However, it is not hard to imagine how difficult that job was for him, who values time. He charged forward with a new burden, without easing his studies even a little. I worried about his health, but the stubborn him only laughed and paid no attention to my concerns.

His relationship with the foster family gradually became complicated. With less time to spare, he had fewer opportunities to talk to me like before, and I could not hear the details of the situation. I only understood that things were becoming increasingly difficult to resolve. I also knew that someone had intervened to attempt mediation. That person urged K to return home in a letter, but K stubbornly refused. He insisted that it was impossible to go back during the school year, but from their perspective, it seemed stubborn. That stubbornness seemed to worsen the situation further.

He not only hurt the feelings of the foster family but also incurred the anger of his real family. When I wrote a letter to reconcile both sides out of concern, it had no effect at all. My letter was buried without a single reply. I was angry about that. Until then, I had sympathized with K, but after that, I felt compelled to support K beyond reason.

K finally decided to return to his family register. The educational expenses that were covered by the foster family would be reimbursed by his biological family. In exchange, they told him that he could do as he pleased from now on, as long as it was fine with them. In old terms, this could be considered a disownment. Perhaps it wasn't that strong, but he interpreted it that way himself. K was a man who had lost his mother. One aspect of his personality could certainly be said to be a result of being raised by a stepmother. I think that if his biological mother had been alive, there might not have been such a gap in the relationship between him and his family.

His father was, of course, a monk. However, I suspect that in terms of his sense of duty, he might have resembled a samurai more than a monk.