Eighteen to nineteen

by Natsume Sōseki

I returned home and shared the story with my wife and daughter. My wife, while laughing, looked at my face and said, "I wonder if it's a bother." In that moment, I thought to myself that this is how men attract women's attention. There was a meaning in my wife's eyes that made me feel that way.

At that moment, I might have been better off honestly expressing my thoughts. However, doubts clung to my heart. Just as I was about to confess, the words got stuck in my throat, and I intentionally changed the subject.

I decided to distance myself from the problem and explore my wife's thoughts on my daughter's marriage. My wife revealed a few things, but explained that since my daughter is still young and attending school, there is no need to rush. Although she didn't say it outright, it seemed that she valued my daughter's beauty. She even mentioned something like, "We can decide anytime." Additionally, the fact that there are no other children besides my daughter seemed to be a reason she didn't want to let go. I also felt that she might be hesitating between marrying her off or taking a son-in-law.

As we talked, I felt that I gained various insights from my wife, but in doing so, I missed the opportunity. In the end, I couldn't say a single word about myself and decided to wrap up the conversation at an appropriate point and return to my room.

The young lady who had been by my side until just a moment ago, laughing at the absurdity of the situation, had somehow moved to the corner over there, with her back turned towards me. When I tried to stand up and turned around, I saw her silhouette. It is impossible to read a person's heart just from their back. I could not understand what the young lady thought about this matter. She seemed to be sitting in front of the cupboard, pulling something out from a gap that was about a foot wide and placing it on her lap to look at. My eyes caught sight of the bolt of fabric I had bought the day before yesterday at the edge of that gap. Both my kimono and the young lady's were stacked in the corner of the same cupboard.

When I tried to stand up without saying anything, the lady suddenly asked me in a formal tone what I thought. The way she asked was so unexpected that I had to ask back what exactly she meant. When I realized that it meant, "Shouldn't we take care of the young lady quickly?" I replied, "It would be better to take our time." The lady agreed.

At this point where the relationship between the lady, the young lady, and I stood, another man was about to join us. With that man becoming a part of this family, my fate was about to change significantly. If that man had not crossed paths with my life, I wouldn't have needed to write such a long story. Unbeknownst to me, I was standing in front of the path of misfortune, my life darkened by the shadow of that moment. To be honest, I was the one who brought that man into the house. Of course, I needed the lady's permission, so I confessed everything openly from the beginning and asked for her approval. However, the lady said, "Stop." Although I had reasons that compelled me to bring him, the lady had no coherent reason at all. Therefore, I ended up sticking to my own thoughts.

"I will refer to that friend as K here. I have been friends with K since we were young. A relationship that has existed since childhood means that the two of us are from the same hometown. K was the child of a Shinshu priest, but he was not the eldest son; he was the second son. Because of this, he was adopted by a doctor's family. The area where I was born is strongly influenced by the Honganji sect, and Shinshu priests were often materially well-off compared to other professions. For example, if a priest had a daughter and she reached a marriageable age, the parishioners would discuss and send her off to a suitable place to marry. Of course, the costs would not come out of the priest's pocket. For this reason, Shinshu temples were generally wealthy.

K's family was also living reasonably well, but I am not sure if they had the means to send their second son to Tokyo for training. I also do not know if there were conveniences for him to go for training. In any case, K went to be adopted by the doctor's family. This was when we were still in middle school. I still remember being surprised when the teacher called the roll and suddenly K's surname had changed.

K's adoptive family was quite wealthy as well. K received financial support from them and came to Tokyo. He did not arrive at the same time as me, but once he got to Tokyo, he quickly moved into the same boarding house. At that time, it was common for two or three people to share a room with desks lined up for sleeping and living. K and I were in the same room. It was like animals captured in the mountains, looking out from a cage while embracing each other. We were afraid of Tokyo and its people, but within our six-tatami mat room, we spoke as if we were looking down upon the world.

However, we were serious. We actually intended to become great. In particular, K had a strong will. Born in a temple, he always used the word "shojin." And I saw that all his actions could be expressed with this word "shojin." I always held K in awe in my heart.

K had troubled me with difficult issues like religion and philosophy since middle school. I couldn't tell if it was the influence of his father or the atmosphere of the special place where he was born and raised, the temple. In any case, he seemed to have a much more monk-like character than an ordinary monk.

Originally, K's foster family intended to send him to Tokyo to become a doctor. However, the stubborn K was determined not to become a doctor and came to Tokyo. I pressed him, asking if that meant he would be deceiving his foster parents. He answered that it was true. He said that for the sake of the "way," it was fine to do such a thing. At that time, the word "way" he used probably wasn't fully understood even by him. Of course, I didn't understand it either. However, for us young people, this vague word resonated with nobility. Even if we couldn't understand it, the determination to be guided by a noble heart and move in that direction showed no signs of being base.

I agreed with K's thoughts. I don't even know how much power my agreement held for K. He was so single-minded that I felt he must have stuck to his beliefs no matter how much I opposed him. However, considering the worst-case scenario, I understood even as a child that I would bear some responsibility for raising my voice in agreement. Even if I didn't have that resolve at the time, I thought that when I grew up and needed to reflect on the past, it would be natural for me to take on the responsibility given to me, which is why I expressed my agreement.