Three (3/3)

by Natsume Sōseki

The master pouted with dissatisfaction and said, "I just can't stand that face." Maiting immediately picked up on his words and continued, "The nose is firmly planted right in the middle of the face." "Moreover, it's crooked and a bit hunched over. A hunched nose is just a bit too eccentric," he laughed joyfully.

"It's a face that belittles the husband," the master said further, looking regretful. "It's destined to be unsold in the nineteenth century and displayed in the twentieth century," Maiting said oddly. Then, the wife came out from the back room and gently admonished, "If you keep speaking ill, the god of the carriage shop will get angry again."

"A little scolding is good medicine, my lady," Maiting replied. "But speaking ill of someone's face is rather vulgar. Not everyone likes to have such a nose. Moreover, since the other party is a woman, it's not good to be too harsh," he defended the shape of the nose while indirectly protecting his own appearance.

"What a terrible thing, that's not a woman, that's a fool, right, Maiting?" the master said. "She might be a fool, but she's quite a character. You've been scratched quite a bit, haven't you?" Maiting replied with a laugh. "What does he even think a teacher is?"

"He probably thinks of them as nothing more than a back-alley carriage shop. To be respected by such a person, you can only become a doctor. Not becoming a doctor shows your lack of insight, right, my lady?" Maiting said, looking at his wife with a smile.

"Becoming a doctor is utterly impossible for you," the master said, even being abandoned by his wife. "It might be possible now, so don't look down on me. You wouldn't understand, but once, a man named Isocrates wrote a great work at ninety-four. Sophocles astonished the world with his masterpieces at nearly a hundred years old. Simonides created wonderful poetry at eighty. Even I..."

"That's ridiculous, someone with your stomach issues can't possibly live that long," the wife firmly estimated the master's lifespan.

“How rude! Ask Amagi-san. It's because you're making her wear this wrinkled black cotton haori and this patched kimono that she's being looked down upon by that woman. Starting tomorrow, I'll wear clothes like Meitei's, so please have them ready.”

“You say to have them ready, but there are no such fine clothes. Kaneda's wife only became polite to Meitei after hearing your uncle's name. It's not because of the kimono,” the wife skillfully avoided responsibility.

The master suddenly remembered and asked Meitei as if he had just heard the word "uncle." “I heard for the first time today that you have an uncle. You never mentioned it before. Is he really there?”

Meitei answered as if he had been waiting for the question. “Yes, that uncle is really stubborn. He has survived since the nineteenth century.” He continued while looking back and forth at the master and his wife. “Oh ho ho ho, he says all sorts of interesting things. Where does he live?”

“He lives in Shizuoka, but he doesn't just live. He ties his hair in a topknot, which is a bit embarrassing. When I tell him to wear a hat, he boasts, 'Even at this age, I've never felt cold.' When I say it's cold and he should sleep more, he says, 'Four hours of sleep is enough for a human. Sleeping more than four hours is a luxury,' and he gets up while it's still dark in the morning. Because of that, I've been training for many years to shorten my sleep time to four hours. When I was young, I couldn't help but feel sleepy, but recently I've finally started to be able to sleep freely here and there. It's natural that at sixty-seven, he can't sleep anymore. He thinks he succeeded entirely through his own self-discipline without any training. So, when he goes out, he always carries an iron fan.”

“What do you use it for?” the master asked.

"I don't know what I'll use it for, I just take it with me. Well, I might be thinking of it as a substitute for a cane. However, something strange happened the other day." This time, he speaks to his wife.

"Oh," his wife responds.

"This spring, I suddenly received a letter asking me to urgently send a top hat and a frock coat. I was a bit surprised and inquired by mail, and the reply came that the old man himself would wear them. There is a celebration in Shizuoka on the twenty-third, so I was ordered to procure them urgently in time for that. What's interesting is that the order included this: 'Please buy a hat of suitable size. Also, please order the clothes from Daimaru, taking measurements.'"

"Do they make clothes at Daimaru these days?" the master asks in surprise.

"Oh, the teacher must have confused it with Shirokiya," Meitei laughs.

"Even if they took the measurements, isn't that impossible?"

"That's where my uncle's uncle comes in."

"What happened?"

"Since there was no other choice, I measured and sent them."

"You're quite reckless too. Did it make it in time?"

"Well, somehow it made it in time. When I looked at the national newspaper, on that day, old man Makiyama was unusually wearing a frock coat and holding that iron fan."

"He didn't part with the iron fan, huh?"

"Yeah, I think I'll make sure to put the iron fan in the coffin when he dies."

"Still, it's good that he managed to wear both the hat and the clothes well."

"However, that's a big mistake. Just when I was grateful that I made it safely, a package arrived from the country after a while. I thought they might have sent a thank you gift, but when I opened it, it was that top hat. There was a letter attached saying, 'Although you kindly purchased it, it's a bit too big, so please send it to the hat shop to have it resized.' It also mentioned that the resizing fee would be sent from here via a money order."

"I see, that's careless." The master, realizing that there are things in the world that are even more careless than himself, said with great satisfaction.

"So, what happened next?" the master asked.

"What can I do? I just took it and put it on," I replied.

"That hat, huh?" the master said with a grin.

"Is that gentleman the baron?" the lady asked curiously.

"Who?" Meitei replied.

"That uncle with the iron fan."

"Oh, he's a Confucian scholar. He got so fixated on Zhu Xi's teachings in his youth that now he ties his hair up respectfully under the electric light. There's nothing to be done about it," Meitei said while stroking his chin.

"Still, you just referred to that woman as Baroness Makiyama."

"Yes, she did say that; I heard it in the tea room too," the lady agreed.

"Did I? Ahahahahaha," Meitei laughed for no reason.

"That's a lie. If I had a baron for an uncle, I'd be a department head by now," I said with a calm face.

"I thought something was strange," the master said, looking both happy and worried.

"Oh my, how can you tell such a serious lie? You must be quite the master of tall tales," the lady said, appearing very impressed.

"That woman is better at it than I am."

"You have no reason to feel inferior."

"But dear wife, my tall tales are just that—tall tales. That woman's lies are all calculated and have a backstory. It's worse. The tricks derived from monkey wisdom mixed with a natural sense of humor make it so even the god of comedy can't help but lament the lack of sharp-eyed individuals," the master said, looking down.

The lady laughed and replied, "It's the same thing."

I had never stepped into the alley over there until now. I have never seen the Kaneda house of the corner mansion, nor have I even heard about it until now. There has never been a mention of businessmen at the master's house, and even I, who eat the master's meals, am completely unrelated to this matter, rather indifferent.

However, just now, unexpectedly receiving a visit from Hanako, hearing that story, imagining the beauty of that young lady, and recalling her wealth and power, I, being a cat, could no longer lie peacefully on the porch. Moreover, I cannot help but feel a great sympathy for Kantsuki-kun. Over there, the doctor's wife, the god of the carriage shop, and even the Tenjōin of the two-stringed koto have been bought off, and even those with chipped front teeth are being investigated without knowing it, while Kantsuki-kun is just grinning and worrying about the tie of his haori. Although he has just graduated as a Bachelor of Science, he is far too incompetent.

It is rare for anyone to get close to a woman with such a great nose. The master is indifferent to such incidents and is far too short on money. Meitei is not in financial trouble, but since he is just a lucky boy, he probably has little room to help Kantsuki. In that case, the only ones who are pitiful are the teachers who lecture on the mechanics of hanging. I thought it would be unfair if I didn't make an effort to infiltrate the enemy's castle and investigate their movements.

I am a cat, but I live in the house of a scholar who slams Epictetus on the desk, which makes me a bit different from ordinary foolish cats. I have a sense of chivalry that dares to embark on this adventure, hidden at the tip of my tail. I have no intention of repaying Kantsuki-kun, but this is not an impetuous act for an individual. Broadly speaking, it is a wonderful act to realize the divine will that favors fairness and loves moderation.

As long as I swing around the Azumabashi incident without obtaining permission from others, as long as I hide a dog under someone's eaves and boastfully spread the report to others, as long as I bother the state with useful materials using rickshaw pullers, horse grooms, ruffians, rowdy students, day laborers, midwives, witches, masseurs, and even fools—cats also have their resolve. Fortunately, the weather is good. The frost thawing is somewhat troublesome, but I am prepared to sacrifice my life for the sake of the road. Having mud on the soles of my feet and leaving a mark of plum blossoms on the eaves may only trouble the Three, but it cannot be called my pain.

Without waiting for the next day, I mustered my courage and jumped out to the kitchen, but then I thought, "Wait a minute." I intend to say that I have not only reached the pinnacle of evolution as a cat but also that I am not inferior to a third-year middle school student in terms of intellectual development. Alas, my throat's structure is still that of a cat, so I cannot speak human language fluently. Even if I sneak into the Kaneda residence and thoroughly observe the enemy's situation, I cannot inform the crucial Kangugetsu-kun. I cannot speak to my master or to Professor Meitei. If I cannot speak, it is the same as a diamond buried in the ground not shining in the light; my hard-earned knowledge becomes a useless burden. This is foolish; should I stop here? I paused at the entrance.

However, once I have made up my mind to do something, stopping halfway feels somewhat regretful, like waiting for a white rain while black clouds pass by to the neighboring country. If it were my fault, that would be different, but for the sake of so-called justice and humanity, even if it leads to a futile death, it is the duty of a man who knows obligation to proceed. It is only natural for a cat to break its back in vain and dirty its feet unnecessarily. Born as a cat, I lack the skill to exchange thoughts with the teachers of Kangu, Meitei, and Kusami with a three-inch tongue, but as a cat, I am more adept at the art of stealth than the teachers. Accomplishing what others cannot is enjoyable in itself. Knowing the secrets of Kaneda, even if I am the only one, is more enjoyable than if no one knew. Even without telling others, just making them aware that they are "known" is enjoyable. Since such enjoyable things keep coming up, I cannot help but go. I have decided to go after all.

As I stepped into the alley over there, the Western-style building stood proudly at the corner, just as the rumors said. I thought that its owner must be as arrogant as the building itself, and as I passed through the gate to gaze at the architecture, I found it to be a meaningless two-story structure that seemed to exist solely to intimidate people, towering unnecessarily high. This is exactly what Meitei would call an ordinary building.

Seeing the entrance to the right, I passed through the shrubs and made my way to the back door. As expected, the back door was spacious, likely ten times the size of Kusami-sensei's kitchen. Recently, it had been described in detail in the Japanese newspaper, and it was as orderly and shining as the residence of Baron Okuma. "What a model kitchen," I thought as I entered, and there stood the god of that carriage shop in a two-tatami mat earthen floor finished with plaster, earnestly talking to the person cooking rice and the rickshaw puller. This is dangerous, I thought, and hid behind a water bucket.

"Does that teacher not know my husband's name?" Iitaki says. "There's no way he wouldn't know. If he doesn't know Kaneda-san's mansion in this neighborhood, he's blind and deaf," the rickshaw puller's voice replies. "I can't say for sure. That teacher is such a weirdo who knows nothing but books. If he knew even a little about my husband, he might be afraid, but no, he doesn't even know his own child's age," Kami-san continues. "I wonder if he wouldn't be afraid of Kaneda-san, such a troublesome oddball. It doesn't matter, let's all intimidate him together." "That's a good idea. Saying that the lady's nose is too big and that she doesn't like his face—what a terrible thing to say. His own face looks like a tanuki from Imado—he thinks he's something special with that face, it's ridiculous." "It's not just the face; even the way he goes to the bath with a hand towel is so arrogant. He thinks there's no one as important as him," Kurusami-sensei is also very dissatisfied with Iitaki. "We'll all go by his fence and talk bad about him, right?" "Then he'll surely be intimidated." "But it wouldn't be fun to show our faces, so let's just let him hear our voices, disturb his studies, and tease him as much as we can, like the lady said earlier." "I understand," Kami-san indicates that he will take on a third of the insults. Indeed, these fellows are coming to tease Kurusami-sensei, and they quietly pass by the three and head further inside.

The sound of the cat's footsteps is as if it doesn't exist at all; no matter where it walks, there is no clumsy noise. Like stepping on the sky, like moving through clouds, like striking a bell in water, like beating a koto in a cave, while savoring the exquisite taste of the essence, it seems to be aware of its own warmth and coolness beyond words. There are no ordinary Western-style houses, no exemplary habits, no deity of the carriage shop, no Gonsuke, no rice cooker, no young lady, no cooperative workers, no Madame Hanako, and no madam's husband. It simply goes wherever it wants, listens to the stories it wants to hear, sticks out its tongue, wags its tail, and returns leisurely with its whiskers held high. In particular, I consider myself the best in Japan when it comes to this path. I even doubt whether I have inherited the bloodline of the cat spirit mentioned in the kusazōshi.

It is said that there is a luminous pearl on the forehead of a toad, but my tail is filled with a family heirloom that not only embodies the essence of the gods and the teachings of Shakyamuni but also mocks all of humanity. To roam the halls of the Kaneda family without being noticed is easier than the Nioh stepping on a piece of konnyaku. At that moment, I was impressed by my own abilities and realized that it was thanks to the tail that I usually cherish, but it seems that it doesn't end there. I wanted to worship the Tail Great Deity I respect and pray for eternal luck, so I tried to bow my head a little, but it seems I was a bit off the mark. I must bow three times while looking at the tail as much as possible. When I tried to turn my body to look at the tail, it naturally turned as well. As I twisted my neck to catch up, the tail maintained the same distance and dashed ahead. Indeed, being a spiritual object that can contain the universe within three inches, it is far beyond my control. After spinning the tail seven and a half times, I became tired and decided to stop. My vision became a bit blurry. I lost a sense of direction and didn't quite know where I was. I wandered around recklessly, not caring. I heard a voice from behind the shoji. I stopped here and held my breath, raising my ears to listen. "Isn't it cheeky for a poor teacher?" echoed a familiar shrill voice. "Yeah, what a cheeky guy. Let's bully him a bit as a lesson. There are some national figures at that school too." "Who is there?" "There are Tsuki Pinsuke and Fukuchi Kishago, so let's ask them to tease him." I didn't know where Kaneda-kun was from, but I was a bit surprised that it was a place filled with people with strange names. Kaneda-kun continued, "Is that guy an English teacher?" "Yes, according to the god of the car shop, he seems to specialize in teaching something like English riddles." "He's probably not a decent teacher anyway," I said, but to some extentI was impressed. "The other day when I met Pinsuke, he said, 'There’s a strange guy at my school. A student asked me, 'Teacher, what do you call bancha in English?' and I seriously answered, 'Savage tea,' so it has become a laughingstock among the teachers. It seems that having such a teacher is causing trouble for others," he said, but it was probably about that guy. "He seems like the type to say something like that, with that face of his, and he has an odd beard," he said, "What a suspicious fellow." But if having a beard makes one suspicious, then even a cat would be suspicious. "And that guy who goes by Meitei or Hebereke, well, what a ridiculous return, I thought there’s no way my uncle Baron Makiyama could have such a face," he said. "It’s bad to take seriously what someone whose origins you don’t know says," I replied. "Is it bad? Aren’t you looking down on people too much?" he said, looking quite disappointed. Strangely, there was no mention of Kangugetsu-kun. I wonder if the reputation had already been settled before I stealthily arrived, or if he has already failed and is not even on anyone's mind; I have concerns about that, but there’s nothing I can do. After standing there for a while, I heard the sound of a bell from the room across the hallway. Something seems to be happening over there too. To avoid being late, I headed in that direction.

When I entered the room, I heard a woman speaking loudly about something. From the distinctive shape of her nose, it made me think that it was no wonder my daughter, Kangugetsu-kun, attempted to commit suicide by drowning. Unfortunately, I couldn’t see her beautiful figure through the shoji. I couldn’t tell if she had a large nose in the middle of her face, but considering her way of speaking and the roughness of her breathing, it was certain that she was not someone to be ignored.

The woman continues to talk unilaterally, but she cannot hear the other person's voice at all. It seems she is using the rumored phone. "Are you Yamato? I'm going tomorrow, so save me some quail number three, okay? Got it? What don't you understand? Ah, come on. Save me some quail number three. Why can't you save it? There's no way you can't, you will save it――heh heh heh, I'm not joking――what's a joke? Stop messing with me. Who are you anyway? Nagayoshi? I don't know what you mean by Nagayoshi. Tell God to pick up the phone――what? You say I'll explain anything? How rude, do you know who I am? It's Kaneda.――heh heh heh, you know me well, right? You're really foolish, this person.――I'm saying it's Kaneda.――What? Thank you for your continued support? What are you grateful for, I don't even want to hear that――are you laughing again? You're really foolish.――You say I'm right?――If you keep making fun of me, I'll hang up. Is that okay? Won't you be troubled?――If you stay silent, I won't understand, say something."

It seems there is no response from the other side of the phone. The young lady throws a tantrum and continues to ring the bell excessively. A small dog at her feet suddenly barks in surprise. Thinking this is bad, she hurriedly jumps down and hides under the porch.

At that moment, footsteps approached from the hallway, and the sound of shoji sliding open was heard. As I strained my ears to listen, thinking someone had come, a voice from the maid said, "Miss, your father and mother are calling for you." "I don't know," the young lady replied coldly. "They said they have something to discuss, so please call the young lady." "How annoying, I told you I don't know," the young lady said coldly again. "…It seems they have business regarding Mizushima Kangei," the maid tried to be considerate and placate her. "I don't know Kangei or Suigetsu— I hate it, that face like a gourd lost in the door." The third cold remark flew out. Poor Kangei-kun is being called while he is away.

“Oh, when did you tie your hair up?” the maid said, letting out a sigh of relief. “Today,” I replied as simply as possible. “How cheeky, for a maid,” the fourth cold remark flew out. “And you’ve put on a new haneri, haven’t you?” “Yes, I received it from you the other day, but I kept it in the trunk because I didn’t want to waste it, and since the old one got dirty, it’s easier to wear now.” “When did I give you something like that?” “This New Year, you went to Shirakiya and bought it— it’s dyed with a sumo banzuke in uguisu color. You said it was too plain for me, so you wanted to give it to me.” “Oh, no. It suits you well, it’s infuriating.” “I’m honored.” “I wasn’t complimenting you, it’s infuriating.” “Really?” “If it suits you so well, why did you keep quiet about it?” “Really?” “If it suits even you, then there’s nothing strange about it suiting me, right?” “I’m sure it will suit you well.” “Knowing it suits you, why are you keeping quiet? And yet, you’re wearing it so composedly, it’s quite mean.” The cold remarks continued one after another.

At that moment, from the other room, Kaneda-kun called out loudly, "Tomiko, Tomiko." The young lady reluctantly replied, "Yes," and left the telephone room. A slightly larger Chin dog, with an expression that seemed to gather its eyes and mouth at the center of its face, followed her. I quietly slipped out again through the back and hurried home to my master's house. The exploration had yielded decent results.

When I returned, I felt as if I had suddenly moved from a beautiful house to a dirty place, as if I had stepped from a sunny mountain into a dim cave. During the exploration, I had been distracted by other things and hadn't paid attention to the room's decorations, sliding doors, or shoji, but feeling the inferiority of my own dwelling made me long for that ordinary life. It seemed that businessmen were regarded as more important than teachers. I thought it was a bit strange, and when I consulted my tail, it confirmed that I was right.

To my surprise, when I entered the room, Meitei-sensei had not yet left; he had stuck the butts of rolled tobacco into the hibachi like a beehive and was sitting cross-legged, talking about something. Before I knew it, Kanketsu-kun had also arrived. My master was resting his head on his hands, gazing at the leaking ceiling. It was still a peaceful gathering of the idle folk.

Kanketsu-kun was fiddling with the strings of his haori while Meitei began to tease him. "Kanketsu-kun, the name of the woman who spoke about you even in delirium was a secret back then, but it should be fine to talk about it now," he said. Kanketsu-kun replied, looking a bit troubled, "I don't mind if it's just about me, but it might cause trouble for the other person."

"Is it still not okay?" Meitei continued. "Besides, I promised Dr. ○○'s wife," Kanketsu-kun said. "Is it a promise not to tell anyone?" "Yes," Kanketsu-kun twisted the strings of his haori even more. The color of that string was a shade of purple that seemed unbelievable for something for sale. "That color of the string is a bit like the Tenpo style," my master said while lying down. He was indifferent to incidents like the Kaneda case.

"That's right, it's definitely not something from the time of the Russo-Japanese War. It's a string that wouldn't be settled unless I wear a split haori with the hollyhock crest on my hat. They say that when Oda Nobunaga entered the family, he tied his hair with a tea whisk, and the string he used at that time was certainly something like this," said Meitei, whose complaints were as long as ever. "In fact, this was used by my grandfather during the Choshu Expedition," said Kanguu-kun seriously. "Isn't it about time you donated it to a museum? For someone like you, a performer of the mechanics of hanging, Bachelor of Science Mizushima Kanguu, to dress like a leftover hatamoto is a bit concerning for your dignity," said the master.

"I could follow your advice, but there are people who say this string suits me very well—" "Who says such a tasteless thing?" the master shouted loudly while turning over. "It's someone you know—" "I don't need to know, who is it anyway?" "It's a woman from the past." "Hahaha, she must be quite the tea person. Shall I guess? It's probably the woman who called your name from the bottom of the Sumida River, right? Why don't you wear that haori and once again reach the ultimate in your performance?" Meitei interjected from the side.

"Hehehe, she's no longer calling from the water's depths. It's in this pure world towards the dry direction..." "It doesn't seem very pure, it's a rather toxic nose," Meitei said. "Huh?" Kanguu made a suspicious face. "The nose from the alley over there just barged in here, and indeed, both of us were surprised, right, Kusayami-kun?" "Um," the master replied while drinking tea in bed. "Who is this nose you're talking about?" "It's your beloved Kuon’s mother," he explained seriously. "Oh?" "A woman named Kaneda's wife came to inquire about you," the master explained earnestly.

When I observed Kanguetsu-kun, there was no sign of surprise, joy, or embarrassment. In his usual calm tone, he said, "You are asking me to take that girl, aren't you?" while twisting the purple string again. "However, that's a big difference. That mother of hers is the owner of a great nose..." As Meitei began to speak, the master interrupted, saying, "Hey, I've been thinking about writing a haiku about that nose since earlier." In the next room, his wife started to giggle. "You seem quite carefree, have you finished it?" "I've made a little progress. The first line is 'This face has a nose festival.'" "And then?" "The next line is 'Offer divine sake to this nose.'" "What about the next line?" "I haven't made anything more than that yet." "That's interesting," Kanguetsu-kun said with a grin. "How about adding 'Two holes faintly' for the next line?" Meitei immediately suggested.

Then Kanguetsu said, "Isn't it too deep to see the hair?" As they were discussing this, they heard the voices of four or five people nearby saying, "Imado-yaki's tanuki, Imado-yaki's tanuki," in a lively manner. Both the master and Meitei were a bit surprised and peered through the gap in the fence towards the front, where they heard laughter and the sound of footsteps scattering in the distance. "What is this Imado-yaki's tanuki?" Meitei asked the master curiously. "I don't really know," the master replied. "It seems quite lively," Kanguetsu-kun added with a critique.

Meitei suddenly stood up as if recalling something and said, "I have researched this nose from an aesthetic perspective for many years, so I would like to present a part of it and trouble you both with my discourse." The master was taken aback by the suddenness and stared at Meitei in silence. Kanguu quietly said, "I would definitely like to hear it." "I have investigated various aspects, but the origin of the nose remains unclear. The first doubt is that if we assume it to be a practical tool, two holes would suffice. There is no need for it to protrude so much from the center against the crosswind. However, how did it gradually come to protrude as you see?" he said, pinching his own nose. "It doesn't protrude that much," the master remarked bluntly.

"In any case, it does not retract. However, confusing it with a state of two holes side by side may lead to misunderstandings, so I would like to caution you in advance. -- According to my humble opinion, the development of the nose is a result of the natural accumulation from the subtle act of humans blowing their nose," he continued. "That's a rather straightforward opinion," the master interjected with a comment. "As you know, when blowing the nose, one must pinch it. By pinching the nose and stimulating particularly this area, according to the great principle of evolution, this area responds to the stimulus, resulting in disproportionate development compared to others. The skin naturally becomes tougher, and the flesh gradually hardens. Eventually, it solidifies and becomes bone." "That is a bit -- flesh cannot change into bone so freely in one leap," Kanguu, being a scholar, protested.

Mitei continues to speak with an expression as if nothing is wrong. "Well, your suspicion is quite understandable, but actions speak louder than words; look, there are bones, so it can't be helped. Bones have already formed. Even if bones are formed, nasal mucus will still come out. If it comes out, one can't help but swallow. With this action, the sides of the bones are worn away, transforming into a thin, high ridge—truly a terrifying effect. Just as a drop of water pierces a stone, just as the head of a Bintōro emits its own light, like the metaphor of mysterious fragrance and mysterious odor, the nasal bridge becomes firm and well-defined." "Even so, yours is quite bloated," someone interjects. "The performer’s own parts may be subject to protection, so I won’t discuss them intentionally. However, I would like to introduce to you both the nose of Kaneda’s mother, which is the most developed and the greatest rarity in the world." Kangu gets caught up and exclaims, "However, when things reach an extreme, while they are indeed magnificent, they somehow become frightening and hard to approach. That nasal bridge is undoubtedly wonderful, but it seems a bit too steep. Among the ancients, Socrates, Goldsmith, or Thackeray had noses that, structurally speaking, were quite remarkable, but there is charm in their remarkable features. Perhaps it is because a high nose is not precious, and the strange is precious for this reason. In common parlance, we say 'a dumpling is better than a nose,' and from an aesthetic value standpoint, I believe Mitei's level is quite appropriate." Kangu and the host burst into laughter, and Mitei himself seems to be laughing joyfully.

“Now, what I have just spoken about is—” “Teacher, saying ‘spoken’ sounds a bit like a lecturer and is rather vulgar, so let’s refrain from that,” said Kangu. “Well then, shall we wash our faces and start over? —Yes— I would like to touch upon the balance of the nose and face from now on. If I were to discuss the nose alone, unrelated to anything else, my mother possesses a nose that would not be embarrassing to show anywhere— a nose that I believe would probably win first prize even at an exhibition on Mount Kurama, but sadly, that nose was created without any consultation with the eyes, mouth, and other features. Julius Caesar’s nose is certainly remarkable. However, if we were to cut off Caesar’s nose with scissors and place it on our cat’s face, what would it be like? Even if it were to rise abruptly above the ground, akin to a hero’s nose protruding in a space as small as a cat’s forehead, it would be like placing the Great Buddha of Nara on a Go board, and it would lose a bit of proportion, diminishing its aesthetic value. My mother’s nose, like Caesar’s, is indeed a proud and noble rise. However, what about the facial conditions surrounding it? Of course, it is not as inferior as our cat. Yet, it is true that it bears a mark of an ‘X’ at the root of the eyebrows like a person suffering from epilepsy, with narrow eyes that are drawn up. Gentlemen, can we not lament that this face has this nose?” As Meitei’s words trailed off slightly, a voice from the back said, “They’re still talking about noses. What a stubborn fellow.” “It’s the god of the carriage house,” the master informed Meitei. Meitei began again. “Unexpectedly hitting the back, I discovered that there were new listeners of the opposite sex present.”It is a place that I consider deeply honorable. In particular, the charming sounds that have added a touch of elegance to the dry lecture are truly an unexpected happiness. I intend to express this as simply as possible, hoping not to offend the favor of the beautiful and virtuous ladies, but from now on, I will delve a bit into the problems of mechanics, which may be difficult for the esteemed ladies to understand, so I ask for your patience." Kangetsu-kun smiled again upon hearing the word mechanics.

“To establish my evidence, this nose and this face are utterly incompatible. It means that we have lost Tsai-hsing's golden rule, and I intend to derive it strictly from the principles of mechanics. First, let H be the height of the nose. α is the angle formed by the intersection of the nose and the plane of the face. W, of course, is the weight of the nose, as you know. How about it, do you understand most of it? …” “How could I understand?” the master said. “What about you, Kanketsu-kun?” “I find it a bit difficult to understand as well.” “That's troubling. Kurusami, in any case, I thought you would understand since you are a Bachelor of Science. This formula is the crux of the speech, and if we abbreviate it, all the effort until now would be in vain—but well, it can't be helped. I will summarize the formula and just talk about the conclusion.” “Is there a conclusion?” the master asked, puzzled. “Of course, a speech without a conclusion is like Western cuisine without dessert. —Listen carefully, both of you, this is the conclusion. —Now, considering the above formula and referring to the theories of Wilhyo and Weissman, we must certainly allow for the inheritance of congenital forms. Moreover, the mental states that arise in accordance with these forms, despite the strong theory that acquired traits are not inherited, must be recognized as a necessary result to some extent. Therefore, it can be inferred that a child born to a person with a nose that is unbefitting their status will also have some abnormality with that nose. Kanketsu-kun, since you are still young, you may not yet recognize any special abnormalities in the structure of Kaneda's daughter's nose, but such inheritance has a long latent period, so at any moment, with a drastic change in climate, it may suddenly develop and swell like that of your mother. For this reason, this marriage is, in Mitei'sAccording to the theoretical argument, it seems safer to give up now. I believe that neither our master nor the cat lying there would have any objections to this." The master slowly sat up and insisted very passionately, "Of course! Who would marry a daughter like that? Kangetsu-kun, you shouldn't go for her either." To express my slight agreement, I meowed twice. Kangetsu-kun, showing no particular agitation, said, "If that's the teachers' intention, I can give up, but if the person in question gets upset and falls ill, that would be a sin..." "Hahaha, that would be a sin of charm," the master became very animated and said, "What nonsense! If it's his daughter, she's nothing decent. She's the one who came to my house for the first time and tried to outsmart me. What an arrogant person," he grumbled to himself.

Then, from near the fence, the voices of three or four people laughing "Wahaha" could be heard. One person said, "What a conceited fool," and another said, "He probably wants to get into a bigger house." Yet another shouted, "It's unfortunate, but no matter how much he boasts, he's just a shadow of a great warrior." The master stepped out to the porch and shouted in a voice that wouldn't back down, "Shut up! Why come all the way to that fence to say such things?" "Wahaha, Savage Chi, Savage Chi," they all jeered. The master suddenly stood up in a fit of rage, grabbed his cane, and rushed out to the street. Meitei clapped his hands and said, "Interesting, oh dear." Kangetsu was twisting the cord of his haori and grinning. I followed the master and peeked out from the broken fence into the street, where the master was standing idly, poking his cane into the ground. There wasn't a single passerby, and he looked a bit like a fox caught in a trap.