Yamatsuki-ki (2)

by Atsushi Nakajima

One night, under the cold moonlight, white dew moistened the ground, and a chill wind passing through the trees announced the approach of dawn. People had already forgotten the misfortune of this poet, quietly lamenting his fate. Li Zheng's voice echoed again.

"I said I didn't know why I met such a fate, but now that I think about it, it's not entirely without reason. When I was human, I tried to avoid interacting with people. Those around me called me arrogant and conceited, but they didn't know that it was almost akin to shame. Of course, it's not that I lacked self-esteem, having made a name for myself as a talented person in my former hometown. However, it was what you might call a timid self-esteem. While I sought fame through poetry, I never actively sought out teachers or honed my skills with fellow poets. Nor did I deign to associate with common folk. All of this was due to my timid self-esteem and conceited shame. I feared that I was not a pearl, yet I made no effort to polish myself, and at the same time, half-believing myself to be a pearl, I could not bear to be mixed with common tiles. Gradually, I withdrew from the world, distanced myself from people, and through resentment and shame, I further nurtured my inner timid self-esteem. They say every human is a beast tamer, and the beast is each person's temperament. In my case, this conceited shame was the beast. It was a tiger. This is what harmed me, tormented my wife and children, hurt my friends, and ultimately transformed my outward appearance into something befitting my inner self. Looking back now, I wasted my meager talent. While I would say that life is too long to accomplish nothing, yet too short to accomplish something, in reality, my entire being was consumed by a cowardly fear of potentially exposing my lack of talent and a laziness that shunned effort. Despite having far less talent than I, some people diligently polished theirs,There are countless individuals who have become distinguished poets. Now that I have transformed into a tiger, I have finally realized this. The thought of it still fills my chest with a burning regret. I can no longer live a human life. Even if I were to compose an excellent poem in my mind now, how could I ever publish it? Moreover, my mind is becoming more like a tiger's with each passing day. What am I to do? What about the past I wasted? I become unbearable. At such times, I climb to the peak of the mountain yonder and roar towards the empty valley. I want to convey this chest-burning sorrow to someone. Last night, too, I roared at the moon there. Hoping someone might understand this suffering of mine. But the beasts, hearing my voice, merely fear and prostrate themselves. The mountains, the trees, the moon, the dew—they only perceive a single tiger roaring in a fit of rage. Even if I lament, soaring to the heavens and prostrating myself on the earth, no one understands my feelings. Just as no one understood my sensitive inner self when I was human. The wetness of my fur is not solely due to the night dew.

Eventually, the surrounding darkness began to fade. Through the trees, from somewhere, the mournful sound of a dawn horn began to echo.

"I must bid farewell now. The time to succumb to my fate is drawing near," Li Zheng's voice said. "However, before we part, I have one more request. It concerns my wife and children. They are still alive. Of course, they have no way of knowing about my fate. When you return from the south, could you please tell them that I have already died? Please, by no means reveal what happened today. It is a presumptuous request, but if you could pity their loneliness and ensure they do not suffer from hunger or cold on the streets in the future, there would be no greater favor for me."

As soon as he finished speaking, a pained cry was heard from the bushes. Yuan also shed tears and replied that he would follow Li Zheng's wishes. However, Li Zheng's voice quickly returned to its previous self-deprecating tone, and he said,

"Actually, I should have asked this first. If I were human. It is because I am a man who cares more about my meager poetic endeavors than about my wife and children who are about to starve and freeze, that I have fallen to such a beast."

And he added that Yuan should never take this path on his way back from Lingnan. For then, he might be drunk and attack without recognizing his old friend. Also, after they parted now, when he climbed the hill a hundred paces ahead, he should look back this way. He would show him his current form once more. Not to boast. But to show his hideous form and prevent him from wanting to pass this way again to see him.

Yuan politely bid farewell towards the bushes and mounted his horse. From within the bushes, an unbearable wail of sorrow leaked out again. Yuan also departed in tears, looking back at the bushes several times.

When the group reached the top of the hill, they looked back as they were told and gazed at the grassy clearing in the forest. Then, suddenly, a tiger leaped out from the thicket onto the path. The tiger looked up at the moon, which had already turned white and lost its light, and after roaring two or three times, it leaped back into the original thicket and did not show itself again.