Episode 5

by Muse · 2026-03-23

Last night, when I collapsed onto the bed. A feeling of something rearranging inside my body, the sensation of my heartbeat changing rhythm, an electric-like feeling coursing up and down my spine.

Was someone listening to all of that from downstairs?

Jung Ra-eun: It was scary.

Jung Ra-eun said very quietly.

Ji-hoo: I should have knocked on the door… The moment I thought about knocking, I felt like I was crossing an irreversible line.

Ji-hoo said harshly.

Ji-hoo: So you just turned back?

Jung Ra-eun: Yes.

She admitted it honestly.

Jung Ra-eun: As a doctor, I ran away.

The defense I had been hoping for did not come.

Instead of saying something like 'I did my best at that time,' it was a very short confession of self-loathing.

Jung Ra-eun: So… if I get contacted again this morning, I was planning to somehow call you to the hospital for tests, and then… I was thinking of dealing with the pharmaceutical company.

Jung Ra-eun looked straight at me.

Jung Ra-eun: But… you came first.

While listening to that, I felt choked up several times. But strangely, I couldn't cry.

Maybe because I had cried too much. Or maybe because this felt too unreal.

Me: …So what should I do now?

My voice fell into the room.

Me: Can I… go back to the way things were?

Jung Ra-eun's lips hardened. It seemed like she had been waiting for that question.

Jung Ra-eun: To be honest.

She took a moment to catch her breath and spoke.

Jung Ra-eun: In the current state, no one can guarantee that 'everything can be completely returned to normal'... probably no one in this world can.

Something crumpled inside my chest.

I unconsciously placed my hand over my heart. There was nothing to hold.

She quickly added.

Jung Ra-eun: But that doesn't mean there is no way at all.

Jung Ra-eun: First, we need to know as accurately as possible the changes happening inside your body right now. We will also reanalyze the test results from the hospital here.

After hesitating for a moment, she continued.

Jung Ra-eun: And… before the pharmaceutical company, we need to find out the 'real purpose' of this drug.

Jung Ra-eun: The real purpose…

That phrase rolled around in my mouth.

Jung Ra-eun: We really need to find out if it was made for… 'masculinization', or if that is just a side effect.

Ji-hoo interrupted.

Ji-hoo: But why do we need to find that out first? Shouldn't we just report this right away?

Jung Ra-eun glanced at him for a moment.

Jung Ra-eun: We will report it.

She said firmly.

However, if we report it in this state…

After pausing to choose her words, she said softly.

The first thing the pharmaceutical company will do is erase 'data that is unfavorable to them'.

Data…

Yes. It's your body, Ji-yoon.

Her gaze returned to me.

“Right now, whether this body will be recorded as… a failure or a great success to them, we still don't know.”

I broke out in a cold sweat.

“If they think it’s a 'success', they will come back to find you. If they think it’s a 'failure'…”

She bit her lip and did not finish her sentence. But I felt like I understood.

If you imagine how kind the pharmaceutical company would be to a failed test subject, the answer becomes clear.

Jung Ra-eun: …So.

Jung Ra-eun: Jung Ra-eun extended her hand.

Jung Ra-eun: I cannot let you leave here alone.

Jung Ra-eun reached out her hand.

Jung Ra-eun: “This is a hospital, I am a doctor, and you are my patient. If you have undergone an experiment you did not want…

Jung Ra-eun: I have a responsibility for not being able to stop that, and therefore I have a responsibility to stand by your side from now on.”

When she said the word responsibility, her eyes trembled slightly.

Jung Ra-eun: So… I ask you.

Jung Ra-eun: Jung Ra-eun extended her hand in front of me. It was a gesture that could be interpreted as a handshake or an alliance.

Jung Ra-eun: For the time being, please trust me. I won’t let you handle this alone.

I looked at that hand.

A white coat, thin fingers, the name on the name tag. Until yesterday, she was just one of the faces that passed by. Now she seemed to have become the person most deeply intertwined in my life.

Jung Ra-eun: If you ask if you can trust me…

My mouth felt dry.

Jung Ra-eun: Honestly, I don't know well.

Jung Ra-eun: Jung Ra-eun smiled just a little.

Sadly.

Jung Ra-eun: That's... a normal reaction.

Jung Ra-eun: But...

Jung Ra-eun: I slowly reached out my hand.

Jung Ra-eun: Right now... I don't have many people I can trust.

Our hands touched. It was warmer than I expected. Maybe because he was a doctor, I thought his hands would be cold from being well-maintained. Ji-ho beside me cleared his throat briefly.

Ji-ho: Hey.

Jung Ra-eun smiled just a little.

Sadly.

Ji-ho: You... I’m here too.

I slowly reached out my hand.

Me: Right now… I don’t have many people I can trust.

Our hands touched. It was warmer than I expected. Maybe because she was a doctor, I thought her hands would be cold from being well-managed. Ji-ho coughed lightly beside me.

Ji-ho: Hey.

Ji-ho: But please make one thing clear.

Ji-ho: He narrowed his eyes and asked.

Ji-ho: What happened to Ji-yoon is definitely not Ji-yoon's fault. No matter what anyone says, that won't change.

Jung Ra-eun: Jung Ra-eun nodded without hesitation.

Jung Ra-eun: Yes. I can assure you.

Jung Ra-eun: She said very clearly.

Jung Ra-eun: This... is not your fault, Ji-yoon.

Me: …I know.

A small laugh escaped my lips.

Tears and laughter mixed together, creating a strange expression. Ji-ho crossed his arms and spoke to Jung Ra-eun.

Ji-ho: Okay. For now, I’ll trust you.

His tone was still full of caution, but there was an unavoidable acknowledgment mixed in.

Ji-ho: But please make one thing clear.

He narrowed his eyes and asked.

Ji-ho: What happened to Ji-yoon is absolutely not Ji-yoon's fault. No matter what anyone says, that won't change.

Jung Ra-eun nodded without hesitation.

Ji-ho: Even while answering, my head felt blank. My body definitely felt lighter, but my mind felt heavier. Ji-ho glanced at the clock and opened his mouth.

Ji-ho: Hey.

She spoke very clearly.

Jung Ra-eun: This is… absolutely not your fault, Ji-yoon.

Those words finally touched my tear ducts.

This time, I didn’t hold back. I just let them pour out.

Ji-ho: Ji-ho said too easily.

Ji-ho: I’ll go there.

I roughly wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

Every time my rough palm brushed against my eyes, I felt my heart tear once more.

My body had become a man, but the tears didn’t lessen at all.

His words were so realistic that I was momentarily at a loss for words.

When it was flowing out of the news, it felt like a story from another world. Now, I thought that the someone appearing in the news might be me.

And the villain hiding behind that news would be the logo of a pharmaceutical company that doesn’t show its face anywhere, not this small clinic.

That fact sent chills down my spine.

*** *** ***

Ji-ho: It’s more dangerous for you to go directly.

A single remark, lightly thrown, strangely pierced deep in my heart.

Jung Ra-eun: ...Right now, you’re my guardian, Kang Ji-ho.

Ji-ho: It was originally half that way.

Even while answering, my head felt blank. My body felt much lighter, but my mind felt heavier. Ji-ho glanced at his watch and then spoke.

Ji-ho: Ji-ho nodded.

Jung Ra-eun: "If it’s the administration side... there’s a team leader, right?

Jung Ra-eun: I can write a simple diagnosis for you. Just something like 'requires detailed examination due to endocrine abnormalities.'"

Jung Ra-eun: Is it okay to write that casually?

Jung Ra-eun: In this situation, it’s better to write it casually.

Jung Ra-eun: Jung Ra-eun said calmly.

Jung Ra-eun: It’s not a lie. What’s happening inside Ji-yoon’s body... no matter what anyone says, it’s 'endocrine abnormalities.'

Ji-ho: What will you say to the company, no, the hospital?

Only then did another reality come to mind.

University hospital administration. My position. Two monitors, the charts that were always piled up, the colleagues I used to complain with during late-night shifts.

Jung Ra-eun: I’m still shaken.

Jung Ra-eun: But I held on.

That made me smile a little.

Jung Ra-eun: Jung Ra-eun said.

Jung Ra-eun: Tonight, if possible, avoid crowded places. Sudden stimulation may not be good.

Me: What?

Jung Ra-eun: Excuse me.

Jung Ra-eun: The words slipped out of my mouth first.

Jung Ra-eun: When I go home... I don’t have clothes to wear outside.

Me: But…

Jung Ra-eun: Ah.

Jung Ra-eun: That’s true.

His words were so realistic that I was momentarily at a loss for words.

Jung Ra-eun: Underwear too...

Jung Ra-eun: I trailed off.

Jung Ra-eun: Bra drawer, lace panties, loungewear for staying at home. All of those suddenly felt like items from another world. Jung Ra-eun thought for a moment and said.

Jung Ra-eun: It might be good to go outside once.

Ji-ho: It's more dangerous for you to go directly.

Just a word. I said it lightly, but it strangely pierced deep in my heart.

Ji-ho: The gaze naturally shifted to Ji-ho. Ji-ho nodded.

Ji-ho: Let’s go buy clothes.

Jung Ra-eun: ...Now?

Ji-ho: If not now, then when? Do you have underwear to change into? Let’s stop by and buy some on the way home.

Jung Ra-eun: That's a good idea.

Jung Ra-eun: If we shake together to the workplace in this state, Ji-yoon will be completely isolated.

Ji-ho nodded.

Jung Ra-eun: If it’s the administration side… there’s a team leader, right?

Jung Ra-eun: I can write a simple diagnosis for you. Just something like ‘requires detailed examination due to endocrine abnormalities.’

Jung Ra-eun: From the pharmaceutical company.

At that moment, the air became heavy.

Ji-hoo: ...Have they already contacted you?

Ji-hoo: Ji-hoo asked.

Jung Ra-eun swallowed briefly and nodded.

Jung Ra-eun: Earlier, just before you guys arrived, they contacted me once.

Jung Ra-eun: She showed the phone screen.

Jung Ra-eun: 〈Neogen Pharma Clinical Support Team〉

Jung Ra-eun: "They said, 'I haven't received the progress report on the subject from yesterday yet.' They requested, 'Please reply by today.'

Jung Ra-eun: 'If I can't reach you, I will visit in person.'

In person.

That word poked at the back of her neck.

Jung Ra-eun: So I... said that I already wrote it.

Jung Ra-eun: Jung Ra-eun said.

Jung Ra-eun: It's still shaking.

Jung Ra-eun: I said, 'No significant abnormalities, skin condition is good, just a little fatigue.'

False report.

Jung Ra-eun: Then...

Jung Ra-eun: We have bought some time from now on.

Jung Ra-eun: Her eyes sharpened.

Jung Ra-eun: We need to start preparing to return Ji-yoon to a 'normal life' before the pharmaceutical company.

Normal life. That word caught in her throat again.

Ji-hoo: Ji-hoo exhaled.

Ji-hoo: Got it. First, I'll process my hospital leave, and let's go buy clothes tomorrow.

Ji-hoo: He lightly tapped my shoulder.

두 사람이 동시에 나를 봤다.

정라은: 아.

정라은: 그렇네.

The two people looked at me at the same time.

정라은: 속옷도…

정라은: 말 끝을 흐렸다.

정라은: 브라 서랍, 레이스 팬티, 집콕용 잠옷들. 그 모든 것들이 갑자기 다른 세계 물건 같다. 정라은이 잠깐 생각하더니 말했다.

정라은: 한 번은, 밖에 나가보시는 것도 좋겠지요.

그 말이 의외였다.

정라은: 예?

정라은: 지금 이 몸으로…

정라은: 세상이 어떻게 보이는지, 사람들이 어떻게 보는지. 한 번은 경험해야 합니다.

정라은: 그녀는 조심스럽게 말을 이었다.

정라은: 물론 위험할 수도 있어요. 그래서 혼자 보내진 않을 거고요.

지후: 시선이 자연스럽게 지후에게로 갔다. 지후가 고개를 끄덕였다.

지후: 옷 사러 가자.

I trailed off.

The bra, lace panties, and loungewear in the drawer. All of those suddenly feel like items from another world. Jeong Ra-eun thought for a moment and said.

지후: 지금 아니면, 또 언제 하냐. 씻고 갈아입을 속옷이나 있어? 집 가는 길에 들려서 사자.

말은 맞았다. 병원 휴직 처리, 제약회사, 몸안 검사… 앞으로 할 일이 너무 많다.

정라은: 지금 이 틈이 오히려 기회일지도. 정라은이 휴대폰을 집어 들었다.

정라은: “그럼, 이렇게 하죠. 강지후 씨는 병원 먼저 다녀오세요. 지윤 씨는… 잠깐 집에 갔다가,

정라은: 오늘 저녁쯤 다시 여기로 오고요.”

정라은: 여기로요?

정라은: 네. 당분간, 오늘 같은 예고 없는 연락이 또 올 수 있어요.

Jeong Ra-eun: You have to experience how the world looks and how people see it, at least once.

She cautiously continued.

Jeong Ra-eun: Of course, it can be dangerous. So I don't recommend going out alone.

The gaze naturally shifted to Ji-hoo. Ji-hoo nodded.

Ji-hoo: Let's go buy clothes.

정라은: 아까, 당신들 오기 직전에 한 번 왔어요.

정라은: 그녀는 휴대폰 화면을 보여줬다.

정라은: 〈네오젠 파마 임상지원팀〉

정라은: “‘어제 시술 대상자 경과 보고를 아직 받지 못했다’고. ‘금일 중으로 꼭 회신해 달라’고.

정라은: ‘연락이 안 되면 직접 방문하겠다’고.”

Ji-hoo: If not now, then when? Do you have any underwear to change into after washing? Let's stop by and buy some on the way home.

The words were right. Hospital leave processing, pharmaceutical company, body examination… There is so much to do ahead.

Jeong Ra-eun: No, let's do this. Mr. Kang Ji-hoo, please go to the hospital first. Ms. Ji-yoon, you can... go home for a bit, and come back here around this evening.

정라은: ‘별다른 이상 소견 없고, 피부 상태 양호, 피로감만 조금 있다’고요.

Jeong Ra-eun: Yes. For the time being, unexpected contacts like today may come again.

Her voice lowered for a moment.

Jeong Ra-eun: From the pharmaceutical company.

At that moment, the air became heavy.

지후: …벌써 연락 왔어요?

정라은은 잠깐 침을 삼켰다가 고개를 끄덕였다.

정라은: 아까, 당신들 오기 직전에 한 번 왔어요.

정라은: 그녀는 휴대폰 화면을 보여줬다.

〈네오젠 파마 임상지원팀〉

정라은: 어제 시술 대상자 경과 보고를 아직 받지 못했다’고. ‘금일 중으로 꼭 회신해 달라’고.

정라은: ‘연락이 안 되면 직접 환자에게 방문하겠다’고.

직접 방문.

그 말이 목덜미를 쿡 찔렀다.

정라은: 그래서 제가… 이미 썼다고 했어요.

.

정라은: ‘별다른 이상 소견 없고, 피부 상태 양호, 피로감만 조금 있다’고요.

정라은: 거짓 보고.

정라은: 그럼…

정라은: 우리는 지금부터, 시간을 조금 번 거예요.

그녀의 눈이 날카로워졌다.

제약회사보다 먼저, 지윤 씨를 ‘정상적인 생활’로 되돌리는 준비를 시작해야 합니다.

정상적인 생활. 그 단어에 목이 또 맸다.

지후가 숨을 내쉬었다.

지후: 알았어요.

지후: 일단 내가 병원 휴직 처리하고, 내일 옷 사러 가자.

그가 내 어깨를 툭 쳤다.