2-1

by 太宰治

Among the students, the most popular is Shizuko Takenaka, commonly known as Take-san. She is by no means a beauty. She is a dignified woman, about 158 centimeters tall, with a full bust and dark skin. She appears to be around 25 or 26 years old, looking quite mature. However, her smile possesses a unique charm. That might be one of the reasons for her popularity.

When Take-san's large eyes smile, the outer corners lift and narrow like needles. Her white teeth are visible, giving a cool impression. With her good physique, a nurse's white uniform suits her very well. Furthermore, she is extremely hardworking and thoughtful, so her efficiency in getting work done quickly could truly be described as "Japan's best proprietress." When it's time for massages, other assistants chat idly with students or teach each other popular songs, but Take-san, while smiling, only vaguely nods to the students' words and skillfully performs the massages. Her massage technique is neither too strong nor too weak, truly excellent, and she always smiles brightly. She never complains or engages in unnecessary small talk. She seems to stand quietly, slightly apart from the other assistants. Perhaps that slightly reserved sense of solitude is what makes her appealing to the students.

Take-san is extremely popular, and according to the legend of Echigo Jishi, it is said, "That girl's mother must be a strong woman." She is from Osaka, and a bit of her Kansai dialect remains. This also seems to be an attractive element for the students, but I, since long ago, when I see a woman with a good physique, am reminded of a large sea bream and can't help but smile wryly. I prefer cute women over elegant ones.

Ma-bo is 18 years old. She apparently dropped out of a prefectural girls' school in Tokyo midway and came here immediately. Her face is round and fair-skinned, and her large eyes, with long eyelashes and double eyelids, are always wide open as if surprised, which causes wrinkles on her forehead, making her narrow forehead appear even narrower. She laughs boisterously, and her gold tooth gleams. She seems desperate to laugh, poking her nose into any conversation, quickly bursting into loud laughter, bending forward, and slapping her stomach as she rolls with laughter. Her nose is round and high, and her thin lower lip protrudes slightly more than her upper lip. She is not beautiful, but very cute. She doesn't seem very enthusiastic about her work and is clumsy at friction, but with her lively cuteness, she enjoys popularity no less than Take-san.

Nevertheless, men are truly strange creatures. They give ridiculous nicknames like "Kakuran" or "Haichai" to women they don't particularly like, but for good people, they can't think of any nicknames and can only use ordinary names like Take-san or Ma-bo.

For some reason, today I'm only talking about women. Perhaps I'm still intoxicated by Ma-bo's charming words yesterday, "Tell Tsukushi that crickets are chirping." Even Ma-bo, who always laughs so much, might actually be lonelier than anyone else. I've heard that people who laugh a lot also cry a lot. It seems that whenever it comes to Ma-bo, I feel a bit off.

I am currently writing this letter in a hurry after finishing lunch early, but from the "Swan Room" next door, Ma-bo's high, flamboyant laughter can be clearly heard, mixed with the laughter of the塾生 (juku-sei, cram school students). What on earth are they making such a fuss about? It's unsightly. Like an idiot. Something is off with me today. I had more I wanted to write, but the laughter from the next room is bothering me, and I can't write anymore. I'll rest for a bit.

Finally, the commotion next door seems to have quieted down, so I'll continue writing a bit more. Ma-bo is truly an incomprehensible person. No, I'm not particularly fixated on it, but are all 17 or 18-year-old girls like this? I can't get a grasp of her personality at all, whether she's a good person or a bad one. Every time I meet her, I find myself in a state that could be described as, "It was truly like setting sail on a vast ocean in a rudderless ship, boundless and without a shore to approach, only utterly bewildered," much like Sugita Genpaku when he first opened a Western book written in a foreign script. It might be a slight exaggeration, but it's a fact that I'm somewhat taken aback. It bothers me. Even now, I interrupted writing this letter because of her laughter, threw down my pen, and lay down on the bed, but I can't settle down and it's becoming unbearable. Lying there, I complained to Matsuemon next door.

"Ma-bo is noisy, isn't she?" I said, pouting. Matsuemon, sitting cross-legged on the adjacent bed and using a toothpick, nodded with a grunt, then slowly wiped the sweat from his nose with a towel and said,

"Her mother is to blame."

He blames everything on her mother.

But perhaps Ma-bo, too, was raised by a cruel stepmother. She's cheerful and playful, yet somewhere, a fleeting shadow of loneliness can be felt. Today, it seems I'm quite fond of Ma-bo.

"Tell Tsukushi that crickets are chirping."

Since then, I've been strange. Even though she's a trivial woman.

September 7th

Yesterday, I sent a strange letter. At the turn of the season, everything looks new and yearned for, and one can't help but start shouting, "I love it, I love it!" In reality, I don't love it that much, but it's all because of this early autumn season. Lately, I feel like I've been chattering away noisily, like a clumsy skylark. However, I no longer feel self-loathing or regret so intense that I want to bite my navel. At first, I found the disappearance of those feelings strange, but now nothing is strange. I have become a completely different man. I have a refreshing pride as a new man. Not feeling self-loathing or regret is a great joy and a good thing for me now. I have been granted the privilege by a venerable person to live and play simply, without thinking, for six months in this dojo. A chirping skylark, flowing clear water, I will live transparently, just lightly and cheerfully!

In yesterday's letter, I praised Maa-bou too much, and I'd like to retract some of that. Actually, something rather peculiar happened today, so I'm writing to inform you immediately to supplement the shortcomings of my previous letter. A chirping skylark, flowing clear water, please don't laugh at this clumsy fellow.

This morning's rubdown was by Ma-bo for the first time in a while. Ma-bo's rubdowns are clumsy and careless. He might be gentle when giving Tsukushi-dono a rubdown, but he's always rough and unkind to me. Ma-bo probably thinks of me as nothing more than a pebble on the roadside, and that's probably true, so I guess it can't be helped. But to me, Ma-bo isn't a pebble. That's why, during Ma-bo's rubdowns, I feel suffocated, become strangely stiff, and can't crack a joke properly. Far from cracking a joke, my voice gets caught in my throat, and I can barely utter a word. In the end, I become sullen as if I'm in a bad mood, and then Ma-bo probably feels awkward too. Only during my rubdowns does he not smile at all and become silent. This morning's rubdown was also such a cramped and unbearable experience. Especially since I had just said, "Tell Tsukushi that the bell crickets are chirping," my feelings were rapidly tense, and it was also right after I had written in my letter to you that I liked Ma-bo, so I felt an awkwardness that couldn't be helped. Ma-bo, while rubbing my back, suddenly said in a low voice,

"Hibari is the best."

I wasn't happy. I wondered what he was talking about. The fact that he could say such a superficial compliment was proof that Ma-bo thought little of me. If he truly thought I was the best, he wouldn't be able to say it so clearly and brazenly. Even I understand that much nuance. I remained silent. Then, again in a low voice,

"I have a problem."

he said. I was surprised. What an awful thing to say. I was fed up. "The bell crickets are chirping" was now completely negative. I suspected he might be an idiot. I had always thought his laugh was idiotic, but as I wondered if he was truly one, my mood lightened, and

I was able to ask in a mocking tone, "What kind of problem do you have?"