Forty-six to forty-seven

by Natsume Sōseki

I stepped out onto the street from Sarugakucho and turned towards Ogawamachi. I usually walked around this area to browse the second-hand bookstores, but that day I just couldn't bring myself to look at any books. As I walked, I kept thinking about home. The memory of the wife from earlier and the imagination of what the daughter might be doing after returning home seemed to propel me forward. Occasionally, I would stop in the middle of the street and wonder if the wife was talking about that story by now, or if perhaps she had already finished it.

I crossed the Manseibashi, climbed the Myojin slope, arrived at Hongodai, then descended Kikusaka again, and went down into the Koishikawa valley. The distance I walked might have traced an irregular circle across three wards, but during that long walk, I hardly thought about K at all. Even now, I cannot understand why that was the case. I can only wonder at it. Perhaps my heart was tense enough to forget K, but my conscience would never allow that.

The moment my conscience regarding K revived was when I opened the lattice of the house and was about to pass by his room on my way to the sitting room. He was reading a book at his desk as usual. His eyes, looking up at me, did not say the usual "Are you back now?" Instead, he asked, "Have you recovered from your illness, or did you go to the doctor?" At that moment, I wanted to put my hands down in front of him and apologize. However, that impulse was not weak at all. If K and I had been standing alone in an open field, I would have surely followed my conscience's command and apologized right there. But there were others behind me. My natural feelings were suppressed there. And sadly, they never revived again.

During dinner time, K and I faced each other again. K, who knew nothing, was just silent and did not cast any suspicious glances at me. The wife, who was also unaware, seemed happier than usual. I was the only one who knew everything. I had a heavy meal that felt like lead. At that time, the daughter did not sit at the same table as everyone else, as she usually did. When the wife urged her, there was only a response from the next room saying, "I'll be there soon." K listened to that with a puzzled expression. Eventually, he asked the wife what was wrong. The wife said, "She’s probably not feeling well," and glanced at my face. K, still looking puzzled, began to question, "Why is she not feeling well?" The wife smiled and looked at my face again.

I had almost deduced the course of events from the wife's expression since I sat at the table. However, I thought it would be unbearable if she talked about everything in front of me to explain to K. The wife was the kind of person who could easily do that, so I felt anxious. Fortunately, K returned to his original silence. The wife, who was in a slightly better mood than usual, managed to avoid discussing the point that I feared. I let out a sigh of relief and returned to the room. However, I couldn't help but think about what kind of attitude I should take towards K from now on. I considered various defenses in my heart, but none of them were sufficient to face K. Coward that I was, I eventually grew tired of explaining myself to K.

“Two or three days passed just like that. During that time, the constant anxiety about K weighed heavily on my chest, needless to say. I felt I had to do something; I couldn’t let him down. Moreover, the wife’s condition and the daughter’s attitude constantly stimulated and pricked at me, making it even more difficult. I never knew when the somewhat manly wife would bring me up at the dining table with K. It was undeniable that the daughter’s increasingly noticeable behavior since then also became a source of suspicion that clouded K’s heart. I found myself in a position where I had to inform K about the new relationship that had developed between me and this family. However, for someone like me, who was aware of having ethical weaknesses, it seemed like an extremely difficult task.

With no other choice, I thought about asking the wife to tell K again. Of course, when I wasn’t around. However, if she were to convey the truth as it was, it would only differ in directness and indirectness, but it wouldn’t change the fact that I would lose face. That said, if I were to ask her to fabricate a story, it was clear that she would question me about the reasons. If I were to confide in the wife about all the circumstances and ask for her help, I would have to willingly expose my weaknesses in front of my mistress and her mother. For someone serious like me, it felt like it would affect my future credibility. Losing the trust of my lover before marriage seemed like an unbearable misfortune, even if it was just a minute fraction.

In short, I was a fool who intended to walk the honest path but ended up slipping. Or perhaps I was a cunning man. However, the only ones aware of this so far were just Heaven and my heart. To recover and take another step forward, I found myself in a predicament where I had to keep my slip from those around me. I wanted to hide the fact that I had slipped. At the same time, I couldn't help but feel the urge to move forward. I was stuck in this dilemma.

After five or six days, the lady suddenly asked me if I had talked to K about that. I replied that I had not yet spoken. Then, she pressed me on why I hadn't said anything. I became stiff in front of that question. At that moment, I still remember the words that surprised me from the lady.

“So, it’s no wonder you had a strange look on your face when I spoke. You’re not doing well either. Even though we’re usually so close, you’re just pretending not to know and staying silent.”

I asked the lady if K had said anything at that time. She replied that he hadn’t said anything in particular. However, I couldn’t help but ask more details. The lady seemed to have no intention of hiding anything. While saying it wasn’t a big deal, she recounted K’s demeanor one by one.

When I summarized the lady's story, it seemed that K had received this last event with calmness despite his surprise. He reportedly only said “Is that so?” at first regarding the new relationship between me and the young lady. However, when the lady said, “You should be happy too,” he smiled for the first time while looking at her and stood up saying, “Congratulations.” Before opening the shoji in the tea room, he turned back to the lady and asked, “When is the wedding?” Then, I heard he continued, “I want to celebrate something, but I don’t have any money, so I can’t.”

I felt a tightness in my chest as I sat in front of my wife listening to that story.