Forty-four to forty-five

by Natsume Sōseki

K's decisive personality was something I understood well. I was also fully aware of the reasons for his indecisiveness regarding this incident. In other words, I thought I had a grasp on the general situation while also capturing the exceptional circumstances. However, as I repeatedly mulled over his word "resolve" in my mind, my confidence began to waver. I started to consider that perhaps this case might not be an exception for him. I began to suspect that he might be harboring a final resort in his heart to resolve all doubts and worries at once. As I reexamined the word "resolve" from a new perspective, I felt a sense of surprise. At that moment, I realized that if I had approached the content of "resolve" that came from his mouth with this surprise in a fair manner, it might have been better. Unfortunately, I had only seen it with one eye. I had simply interpreted that word as meaning K was willing to move forward with her. I had mistakenly believed that his decisive nature was manifested in his resolve regarding love.

I too heard the voice in my heart that said a final decision was necessary. In response to that voice, I summoned my courage. I resolved to take action before K and without him knowing. I was quietly waiting for an opportunity. However, days passed, and I was unable to seize that opportunity. I thought about bringing up the conversation with his wife when K was absent or when she was away. But the days continued where one was absent and the other was obstructing, and the favorable moment I could think "now is the time" never came. I felt a sense of frustration.

One week later, I finally couldn't take it anymore and pretended to be sick. My wife, my girlfriend, and K all urged me to get up, but I only responded half-heartedly and stayed wrapped in my futon until around ten o'clock. Once K and my girlfriend were gone and the house fell silent, I got out of bed. When my wife saw my face, she immediately asked what was wrong. She advised me to sleep more since she would bring food to my bedside. However, since I had no physical ailments, I had no intention of sleeping at all. I washed my face and had my meal in the living room as usual. At that time, my wife served me from the other side of the long brazier. Holding a bowl that could hardly be called breakfast or lunch, I was thinking about how to bring up the issue, so I might have appeared to be an actually unwell patient.

After finishing my meal, I started smoking a cigarette. Since I wasn't standing up, my wife couldn't leave the side of the brazier either. After calling the maid to clear the table, she poured water into the iron kettle and wiped the edge of the brazier to accommodate me. I asked my wife if she had any special matters to attend to. She replied, "No," but then asked, "Why?" I told her that I actually wanted to talk about something. My wife stared at my face and asked, "What is it?" Her tone was so light that it seemed she couldn't empathize with my mood, so I hesitated a bit about what to say next.

Reluctantly, I wandered around with my words and asked my wife if K had said anything recently. My wife looked surprised and asked, "What?" again in response. Before I could answer, she asked, "Did he say anything to you?"

I had no intention of conveying the confession I heard from K to my wife, and after answering "no," I immediately began to feel uneasy about my lie. Since there was nothing in particular that I remembered being asked, I corrected myself by saying it was not a matter concerning K. My wife said, "Is that so?" and waited for my words. I felt compelled to bring it up. Suddenly, I said, "Please give me your daughter." My wife did not show any signs of being more surprised than I expected, but it seemed she was momentarily at a loss for words, staring silently at my face. Once I had said it, I could not care less about being looked at. I repeated, "Please, do give her to me." I also said, "Please give her to me as my wife." My wife, being older, was much calmer than I was. She asked, "I can give her to you, but isn't this a bit sudden?" When I replied, "I want her suddenly," she burst into laughter. Then she pressed, "Have you thought this through?" I explained, in strong words, that while my proposal was sudden, my thoughts had not been sudden.

After that, there were a few exchanges, but I forgot them. My wife, who was clear and manly, was very easy to talk to in this situation, unlike ordinary women. She said, "Very well, I will give her to you." She added, "It's not a situation where I can speak so arrogantly about giving her away. Please take her. As you know, she is a poor child without a father," she requested from the other side later.

The matter was settled simply and clearly. From start to finish, it probably took less than fifteen minutes. The lady did not bring up any conditions. She said there was no need to consult relatives, and that it would be sufficient to decline later. She stated clearly that there was no need to confirm the person's intentions. At that point, it seemed that I, who had studied academically, was the one overly concerned with formality. When I pointed out that it was proper to discuss it with the person in advance and obtain their consent, the lady said, "It's fine. I would never take that child without the person's knowledge."

Returning to my room, I found myself feeling strangely unsettled, considering how abruptly things had progressed. A doubt crept into my mind, wondering if this was really going to be okay. However, looking at the bigger picture, the thought that my future fate was decided by this filled my heart with a new sense of purpose.

In the afternoon, I went back to the tea room and asked the lady when she planned to tell her daughter about this morning's discussion. The lady said that if she was aware of it, she could talk about it whenever she wanted. At that point, the other party seemed more manly than I did, and I didn't feel the need to push further. Then, the lady stopped me and said that if it was better to do it sooner, she could do it today, and that she would talk right after returning from practice. I replied that that would be more convenient for me and returned to my room again.

However, when I imagined myself sitting silently in front of my desk, listening to the two of them whispering from afar, I felt an uneasy sensation. In the end, I decided to put on my hat and go outside. There, at the bottom of the hill, I encountered the young lady. The young lady, who knew nothing, looked surprised to see me. When I took off my hat and asked, "Are you going home now?" she curiously asked if her illness had already been cured. I replied, "Yes, it has been cured, it has been cured," and I continued to turn towards Suidobashi.