Forty to forty-one

by Natsume Sōseki

One day, I visited the school library for the first time in a while. In a corner of a large table, basking in the light streaming in from the window, I was flipping through a newly arrived foreign magazine. My homeroom teacher had told me to look up information about my major, but I was having a hard time finding the necessary information and had to borrow magazines multiple times. Just when I finally found the paper I needed and started reading it intently, suddenly, from the other side of the table, someone called my name in a small voice. When I looked up, there was K standing there. He bent over the table and leaned his face closer to mine. Since you can't speak loudly in the library, his behavior is something anyone might do, but at that moment, I felt something strange.

K asked in a low voice, "Are you studying?" I replied, "I'm just doing some research," but he still didn't pull away from my face. In the same low voice, he invited me, "Want to take a walk together?" I answered that it would be fine to wait a bit, and he sat down in the empty seat in front of me. Then, I became distracted and suddenly couldn't read the magazine anymore. I couldn't shake the feeling that K had something on his mind and had come to consult me about it. Reluctantly, I closed the magazine I had been reading and tried to stand up. K calmly asked, "Are you done already?" I replied, "I don't care," and left the library with K while returning the magazine.

Since the two of them had no particular place to go, they left Ryūōkamachi and headed to Ikonohata, entering Ueno Park. At that moment, he suddenly brought up that incident. Considering the circumstances before and after, it seemed that K had gone out of his way to invite me for a walk for that reason. However, his attitude had not yet progressed in any specific direction. He simply asked me vaguely, "What do you think?" This was a question about how I viewed him being caught up in the whirlpool of love. In short, it seemed he was seeking my criticism about himself. Therefore, I was able to clearly sense that he was acting differently than usual. His essence was not weak enough to care about the intentions of others. If he believed, he was a man with the courage and guts to move forward on his own. It was only natural for me, who had strongly engraved that characteristic in my heart due to the Yōke incident, to feel that something was different.

When I asked K, "Why do you need my criticism?" he replied in a somber tone unlike usual, saying that he was ashamed of being a weak person. He continued that because he was confused, he could no longer understand himself, and thus had no choice but to seek a fair critique from me. I asked, "What do you mean by being confused?" He explained, "I am confused about whether to move forward or retreat." I stepped forward and asked, "If you want to retreat, can you?" At that moment, his words suddenly cut off. He simply said, "It's painful." In fact, his expression was deeply marked by suffering. If the other party had not been a woman, I cannot express how much I would have poured a response favorable to him like a gentle rain on that parched face. I pride myself on being a person born with that kind of beautiful sympathy. However, at that moment, I was different.

I was watching K carefully as if I were someone participating in a mixed martial arts match. My eyes, heart, and body were all fully prepared for K. Innocent K was in a state that could rather be described as defenseless. I was able to receive the map of the fortress he was guarding from his hands and slowly gaze at it right in front of him.

Seeing K wandering between ideals and reality, I thought I could defeat him with just one strike. And so, I decided to strike at his vulnerability immediately. I suddenly began to show a solemn attitude. Of course, it was part of my strategy, but there was also a tension that matched that attitude, leaving no room for feelings of absurdity or embarrassment. I first declared, "Those who lack ambition mentally are fools." This was a phrase K had used towards me while we were traveling together in Bōshū. I returned his words in the same tone he used. However, it was never about revenge. I confess that I had imbued it with a meaning more cruel than revenge. With that one phrase, I aimed to block the path of love lying before K.

K was a man born in a Shinshu temple, but his tendencies were never close to the beliefs of his family since his middle school days. I know I have no right to say such things, as I am not well-versed in doctrinal distinctions, but I only acknowledged this in terms of gender. K has always liked the word "shojin." I interpreted that the word included the meaning of asceticism. However, when I later heard the reality, I was surprised to find that it contained an even stricter meaning. His first creed was that one should sacrifice everything for the path, and both sensual desires and asceticism, even love that is detached from desire, become obstacles to the path. During the time K was living independently, I often heard him express this claim. At that time, I was thinking of her, so I inevitably had to oppose him. When I opposed him, he always looked pitying, but there was more contempt than sympathy in his expression.

Given that such a past had passed between us, it was not hard to imagine how painful the words "those without a spirit of self-improvement are fools" were for K. However, as I mentioned before, I did not intend to shatter the past he had worked hard to build with that one statement. Rather, I wished for him to continue to accumulate it as he had until now. No matter what path it might lead him to, or if it reached the heavens, it was of no concern to me. I was simply afraid that K would suddenly change the direction of his life and conflict with my interests. In short, my words were merely an expression of my selfish thoughts.

"Those without a spirit of self-improvement are fools."

I repeated the same words twice. I was watching intently to see how those words would affect K.

"Fool," K eventually replied. "I am a fool."

He stood perfectly still at that spot, not moving at all. He was staring intently at the ground. I almost let out a gasp of surprise. In that moment, he felt almost like a mugger. However, his voice lacked some kind of strength, and I noticed that. I wanted to read his gaze, but he never looked at my face until the end. Then, he gradually started walking again.