Thirty-eight to thirty-nine

by Natsume Sōseki

As I entered the house, I immediately heard the sound of a car. It was a time when rubber tires were not yet common, and the rattling sound lingered in my ears even from quite a distance. The car eventually stopped in front of the gate.

It was about thirty minutes later when I was called for dinner, but the wife and daughter’s formal clothes were carelessly discarded, adding chaos to the next room. They felt sorry for us for being late and hurried back to make it in time for dinner. However, the wife's kindness was almost meaningless to K and me. While sitting at the dining table, I repeated curt greetings as if I were reluctant to speak. K was even more taciturn than I was. The fact that the two of them, who had gone out together, seemed brighter than usual made our attitudes stand out even more. The wife asked me if something was wrong. I replied that I was feeling a bit unwell. In fact, I truly felt unwell. Then the daughter asked K the same question. K did not say he felt unwell like I did; he simply replied that he just didn't want to talk. The daughter pressed him on why he didn't want to talk. At that moment, I suddenly lifted my heavy eyelids and looked at K's face. I was curious about what he would answer. K's lips were trembling slightly as usual. To an outsider, it looked as if he were hesitating to respond. The daughter laughed and said he was probably thinking about something difficult again. K's face turned slightly red.

That night, I went to bed earlier than usual. Concerned about what I had said during dinner about feeling unwell, the wife brought me soba broth around ten o'clock. However, my room was already completely dark. The wife said, "Oh dear," as she slightly opened the sliding door. The light from the gas lamp dimly filtered into my room from K's desk at an angle. It seemed K was still awake. The wife sat by my pillow and suggested that since I might have caught a cold, it would be good to warm my body, and she held out a teacup near my face. Reluctantly, I drank the thick soba broth in front of her.

I was thinking in the dark until late. Of course, I was just spinning one problem around and around, with no effect outside. Suddenly, I remembered wondering what K was doing in the next room. I half-unconsciously called out, "Hey." There was a response from the other side, "Hey." K was still awake as well. I asked through the sliding door, "Aren't you going to sleep yet?" There was a simple greeting of "I'm going to sleep now." I asked again, "What are you doing?" but this time there was no response from K. Instead, after about five or six minutes, I distinctly heard the sound of the closet being opened and the floor being laid out. I asked again what time it was. K replied, "It's one twenty." Soon after, I heard the sound of the gas lamp being blown out, and the entire house fell into darkness, becoming silent.

However, my eyes became increasingly sharp in that darkness. I again called out to K in a half-conscious state, saying "Hey." K responded in the same tone as before, saying "Hey." I wanted to talk more in detail about what I had heard from him this morning, but I finally brought it up, wondering about his convenience. Of course, I didn't intend to have such a conversation through the sliding door, but I thought I could quickly get K's response. However, K, who had been called "Hey" twice and had answered "Hey" twice in a straightforward tone, did not respond this time. He hesitated, saying in a low voice, "That's true." I was again taken aback.

K's half-hearted responses were well reflected in his attitude the next day and the day after that. He never showed any inclination to voluntarily touch on that issue. Moreover, there was no opportunity to do so. Unless his wife and daughter were both away from home for a day, the two of them could not calmly discuss such matters. I understood that well. Even while understanding, I began to feel oddly irritated. As a result, I, who initially intended to wait for him to come over, secretly prepared myself and decided that if the opportunity arose, I would take the initiative to speak.

At the same time, I quietly observed the behavior of the household members. However, there was no noticeable change in the wife's attitude or the daughter's demeanor compared to usual. If there was no significant difference in their behavior before and after K's confession, it was certain that his confession was limited to just me, and that the person in question and his supervisor, the wife, had not yet understood it. When I thought about this, I felt a little relieved. So, rather than forcing an opportunity and awkwardly bringing up the topic, I thought it would be better to avoid missing what nature provided, and decided to leave that issue alone for a while.

It may sound very simple to say this, but there were various ups and downs in the process of my thoughts, like the ebb and flow of the tide. I looked at K's unmoving state and added various meanings to it. I observed the words and actions of the wife and daughter and wondered if their hearts were truly reflected there. Thus, I contemplated whether the complex machinery installed in the human heart could point to the numbers on the board as clearly and truthfully as the hands of a clock. In short, please understand that I arrived at this conclusion after interpreting the same thing in various ways. To put it more complicatedly, the word 'settle' may not have been appropriate to use at this time.

School has started again. We began to leave the house together at the same time. If it was convenient, we often returned home together as well. From the outside, K and I appeared to be as close friends as ever. However, I think each of us was independently pondering our own thoughts in our hearts.

One day, I boldly approached K in the street. The first thing I asked was whether the confession at that time was limited to me alone or if it was also known to his wife and daughter. I thought that how I would act from now on depended on his answer. Then, he clearly stated that he had not confided in anyone outside yet. I felt relieved inside that the situation was as I had suspected. Knowing that K was much bolder than I was, I realized that I could not match his courage. However, at the same time, I found myself strangely trusting him. Although he had deceived his foster family for three years regarding his educational expenses, my trust in him had not diminished at all. Therefore, I had come to trust him even more. Thus, no matter how suspicious I was, I could not deny his clear answer in my heart.

Next, I asked him how he intended to handle the matter of love. I inquired whether it was merely a confession or if he intended to accompany it with practical effects. However, he did not answer that question and silently looked down as he began to walk away. I asked him to not keep anything hidden and to speak honestly about everything. He asserted that there was no need to hide anything from me, but he did not respond a single word to what I wanted to know. Unable to stop in the middle of the street to pursue the matter deeply, I continued walking without saying anything.