Five to six

by Natsume Sōseki

When I first returned to my hometown during summer vacation, my uncle and aunt were living in my house as the new owners after my parents had passed away. This was a promise made before I left for Tokyo. Since I was left all alone, there was no choice but to do so.

At that time, my uncle seemed to be involved with several companies in the city. He laughed, saying that it was much more convenient to sleep and wake up in his current residence than to move to my house due to business reasons. This was something my uncle had mentioned during discussions about what to do with the house after my parents' death and whether I would go to Tokyo. My house had a long history and was somewhat known in the area. In the countryside, it is a big deal for an heir to destroy or sell a historic house. Now, I wouldn't care about such things, but back then, I was still a child, and even though I had gone to Tokyo, I felt very guilty about having to leave the house as it was.

My uncle reluctantly agreed to move into my vacant house. However, he said that he would need to keep the residence in the city as well and requested convenience to travel back and forth between the two. I had no room to object. I thought it would be fine to go to Tokyo under any conditions.

Childishly, I still nostalgically envisioned my hometown house in my heart, even after leaving. I hoped with the feeling of a traveler that there was still a home to return to. The feeling that I had to go back when the vacation came was strong, even for me, who had longed for Tokyo. I often dreamed of the hometown house, thinking that I could return there after studying hard and playing joyfully during the breaks.

I do not know how my uncle went back and forth between both houses while I was away. When I arrived, the family was gathered in one house. The children who usually went to school were probably in the city, but they had returned to the countryside for vacation and were half playing while being picked up.

Everyone was happy to see my face. I was glad to see that the house had become livelier and cheerier than when my father and mother were there. My uncle kicked out the first boy who had occupied the room that used to be mine and put me in there. Since there were not a few tatami rooms, I declined, saying I wouldn’t mind being in another room, but my uncle insisted, saying, "It’s your house."

I spent that summer with my uncle's family without any unpleasantness except for occasionally remembering my deceased father and mother, and I returned to Tokyo again. However, one thing that cast a dark shadow on my heart as an event of that summer was that my uncle and aunt both urged me to get married, even though I had just entered high school. This was repeated about three or four times. At first, I was just surprised by the sudden suggestion. The second time, I clearly refused. By the third time, I had to ask them the reason. Their intention was simple. They just wanted me to get married quickly, return home, and succeed my deceased father. I thought it would be fine to return home during the vacation. The reasoning that I needed a wife to succeed my father seemed understandable at first glance. I especially understood it well, knowing the circumstances of the countryside. I probably did not absolutely dislike it either. However, for me, who had just gone to Tokyo for training, it felt like a distant goal. Without complying with my uncle's hopes, I ultimately left my home again.

"I completely forgot about the marriage proposal. Looking at the young people around me, there wasn't a single person who seemed to have a family. Everyone was free, and it felt as if they were all alone. Among these carefree people, there may have been some who were already bound by family circumstances and had already welcomed a wife, but as a child, I did not notice that. Furthermore, those who were in such special situations probably made an effort to avoid discussing personal matters that were unrelated to the students, being considerate of those around them. In hindsight, I was already one of those companions, but I was unaware of that and simply walked the path of learning joyfully like a child.

At the end of the school year, I packed my things once again and returned to the countryside where my parents' graves were. And just like last year, I saw the unchanged faces of my uncle and aunt and their children in the house where my parents had been. I once again caught a whiff of the scent of my hometown. That scent was still nostalgic for me and was also a welcome change that broke the monotony of the school year.

In this place that raised me, my uncle suddenly brought up the topic of marriage. According to him, it was just a repetition of last year's proposal. The reasons were the same as last year. However, while there had been no specific target last time, this time the crucial person, namely my uncle's daughter, my cousin, was right in front of me, which left me even more bewildered.

My uncle said that it would be convenient for both of them if he married her, and that my father had talked about such things while he was alive. I certainly thought that it was convenient, and I considered the possibility that my father might have mentioned such things to my uncle. However, I was surprised because I had not realized this until my uncle mentioned it. While I was surprised, I also understood that there was nothing unreasonable about my uncle's hope. Perhaps I was indifferent, but the main reason was that I had not particularly focused on my cousin.

Since I was a child, I often went to play at my uncle's house and frequently stayed over. Because of that, I had a close relationship with my cousin from that time. As you probably know, it is rare for romance to develop between siblings. I might be unconsciously spreading this obvious fact, but I believe that when a man and a woman become too close, the fresh excitement necessary for love is lost. Just as one can only feel a fragrance at the moment the incense is lit, and the taste of alcohol is experienced at the moment one starts drinking, there is also a moment of timing for the impulse of love. Once that moment passes, while familiarity increases, the sense of love becomes numb. No matter how I think about it, I could not bring myself to consider my cousin as a wife.

My uncle said that if I insisted, it would be fine to postpone the marriage until graduation, but he also mentioned that there is a saying that good things should be done quickly, so he would like to at least have the wedding ceremony done now if possible. Since I had no desire for the person in question, it was the same either way. I declined again. My uncle looked dissatisfied, and my cousin cried. The reason she was sad was not because she would not be with me, but because being rejected for marriage was painful for her as a woman. Just as I did not love my cousin, I understood well that she did not love me either.

After that, I headed back to Tokyo again.