Three to five

by Ryunosuke Akutagawa · 2026-07-10

Before I talk about what I am going to say, I must first explain about kappa. Whether kappa actually exist is still a question, but since I myself lived in their world, there is no room to doubt their existence.

Now, what kind of creature is a kappa? They have short hair on their heads and webbed hands and feet. Their height is just over 1 meter, and according to Dr. Chuck, their weight is around 20 to 30 pounds. There are also large kappa that occasionally exceed 50 pounds. In the center of their heads, there is an oval-shaped dish, which seems to harden with age. In fact, the dish of an older kappa has a completely different texture compared to that of a young kappa.

The most mysterious thing is the color of a kappa's skin. They do not have a fixed color like humans; instead, they change according to their surroundings. When they are in the grass, they turn green, and when they are on a rock, they change to gray. This characteristic is not limited to kappa; it can also be seen in chameleons. Perhaps kappa have skin tissue similar to that of chameleons. When I discovered this fact, I remembered the folklore that kappa from the western regions are green, while those from the northeastern regions are red. I also recalled instances when I was chasing a bag and suddenly lost sight of it.

Furthermore, it seems that kappa have thick fat under their skin, and despite the relatively low temperatures of this underground country, they do not know clothing. Of course, every kappa has a money pouch, a roll of tobacco, or a coin purse, but since kappa have pouches in their bellies like kangaroos, it is particularly inconvenient for them to store these items. However, I found it strange that they do not cover their waists. One time, when I asked a kappa about this reason, it leaned back and continued to laugh, replying, "It's funny that you are hiding it."

I gradually learned the everyday words used by the kappa. Thanks to that, I was able to understand the customs and habits of the kappa as well. What was particularly interesting was that the kappa had a completely opposite sense, laughing off serious human thoughts while taking human laughter seriously. For example, when humans seriously think about justice or humanity, the kappa would hear that and burst into laughter. Their standards of absurdity are entirely different from ours.

One time, while talking with the doctor Chuck about birth control, Chuck suddenly burst out laughing with his mouth wide open. I was angry and questioned what was so funny. Chuck's response was something like this: "It's ridiculous to only think about the parents' circumstances. It's just too self-centered."

From a human perspective, kappa childbirth is indeed strange. After a while, I went to see Mrs. Bag give birth. When kappa give birth, they also seek the help of doctors and midwives, just like humans. However, during childbirth, the father puts his mouth on the mother's reproductive organ as if making a phone call and loudly asks, "Think carefully and answer whether you want to be born into this world." Bag repeated this several times while kneeling. Then, he gargled with a disinfectant solution that was on the table. At that point, the child inside the wife seemed to hesitate and responded in a small voice.

"I don't want to be born. First of all, my father's genes are a problem with mental illness alone. On top of that, I believe that being a kappa is bad."

When Bag heard this response, he scratched his head shyly. However, the midwife there immediately inserted a thick glass tube into the wife's reproductive organ and injected some liquid. Then, the wife let out a big sigh of relief, and her previously large belly shrank like a deflated balloon.

Since they respond like this, the children of the kappa walk and talk as soon as they are born. According to Chuck, there was a child who gave a lecture on the existence of God on the 26th day after birth, but that child reportedly passed away by the second month.

While talking about childbirth, let me share a story about a large poster I happened to see in my third month after coming to this country. The poster depicted about 12 or 13 kappa playing trumpets and holding swords. Above them, there were spiral characters resembling the mainspring of a clock used by kappa. When translated, these spiral characters roughly mean the following. Of course, there may be mistakes in the details, but I took notes of the words that a kappa student named Rap read aloud to me.

“Recruiting a Genetic Volunteer Corps”

“Healthy male and female kappa”

“To eradicate bad genetics”

“Marry unhealthy male and female kappa”

At that time, I told Rap that there was no way such a thing could actually happen. Then, not only Rap but also the kappa nearby the poster burst into laughter all at once.

“Not happening? But according to your story, I think you all act similarly to us. What do you think is the reason for your young master falling in love with a maid or your young lady falling in love with a driver? That is, unconsciously eradicating bad genetics. In the first place, compared to the volunteer corps you mentioned the other day—oh, the volunteer corps that fights each other to seize the railway—I believe our volunteer corps is much more noble.”

While Rap was saying this seriously, he was shaking his fat belly and inviting laughter. However, instead of laughing, I hurriedly tried to catch a certain kappa. It had seen through my carelessness and realized that it had stolen my fountain pen. However, the smooth-skinned kappa was not easy to catch. That kappa quickly slipped away and escaped in no time, shaking its body like a thin mosquito.

I received care from this kappa named Rap that was second to none, but what I particularly cannot forget is being introduced to a kappa named Tock. Tock is a poet among kappa friends, and his hair is long, just like ours. Sometimes, I would visit Tock's house to pass the time. Tock always lined up pots of alpine plants in his small room, writing poetry and smoking, living a carefree life. In the corner of that room, there was a female kappa (since Tock is a free-love advocate, he does not have a wife) doing some knitting. Whenever Tock saw my face, he would always smile and say this. (However, kappa smiles are not particularly pleasant. At least, I found them rather creepy at first.)

“Hey, welcome. Now, sit in that chair.”

Tokk often talked about the life and art of kappas. According to his thoughts, there is nothing as absurd as the ordinary life of a kappa. Parents, couples, and siblings live with the sole enjoyment of tormenting each other. In particular, the family system is absurd to an even greater extent. One time, Tokk pointed out the window and said, "Look at that ridiculous sight!" as if to spit it out. Outside the window, a still young kappa was walking, barely able to breathe, with what seemed to be its parents and seven or eight other male and female kappas hanging from its neck. However, I was impressed by the sacrificial spirit of that young kappa and instead praised its bravery.

"Hmph, you have the qualifications to be a citizen in this country as well. ... By the way, are you a socialist?"

I, of course, answered, "Yes."

"Then you shouldn't mind sacrificing one genius for the sake of a hundred ordinary people."

"So what ideology do you follow? Someone said that Tokk's belief is anarchism..."

"Me? I am a superman (which translates directly to super kappa)."

Tokk boldly declared. Tokk has a unique perspective on art as well. According to his belief, art should not be subject to anything and should be art for the sake of art, and therefore, an artist must be a being that transcends good and evil above all else. However, this is not just Tokk's opinion alone. Most of Tokk's fellow poets seem to share the same view. In fact, I have visited the Superhuman Club with Tokk many times. The Superhuman Club gathers poets, novelists, playwrights, critics, painters, musicians, sculptors, and amateurs interested in art, and they are all superhumans. They always engage in lively discussions under bright lights, and sometimes they flaunt their superhuman qualities to each other. For example, a certain sculptor caught a young kappa among large potted ferns and toyed with homosexual love. Also, a certain female novelist stood on the table and demonstrated drinking sixty absinthes. However, as soon as she fell under the table on the sixtieth, she immediately passed away.

On a beautiful evening of a certain month, I returned from the Superhuman Club with the poet Tokk, with our elbows linked. Tokk was unusually subdued and did not say a word. After a while, we passed by a small window where the firelight flickered. Beyond that window, there were a couple of kappa, presumably a male and female, heading towards a dinner table with three children. Then, Tokk sighed and suddenly spoke to me.

"I think I am a superhuman romantic, but seeing that kind of family situation, I can't help but feel envious."

"But don't you think that contradicts itself in any way you look at it?"

However, Tokk remained with his arms crossed under the moonlight, staring at the peaceful dinner table of the five kappa beyond that small window. After a while, he answered.

"The omelet over there is definitely more hygienic than love."