Dogra Magra (43/47)

by Hisashi Yumeno

Dr. Masaki, who had been pacing the floor diligently, suddenly stopped. The spot where he stopped was in front of Dr. Saitō's portrait hanging on the east wall and a calendar that read "October 19, Taishō 15." As I lay prostrate on the floor, the moment the doctor's footsteps ceased, his words also trailed off, and the room was enveloped in an unexpected silence. In that stillness, I felt as if Dr. Masaki had vanished somewhere.

However, that sensation of silence lasted only a few seconds. Immediately, the terrifying meaning of that stillness pressed upon my mind.

...At that moment, I suddenly realized. Various questions I had harbored since that morning began to flash through my mind all at once. Involuntarily, I clutched my hair with both hands, eagerly awaiting Dr. Masaki's next words as if on the tip of a needle.

...The secret of October 19...

...The secret of Dr. Saitō's mysterious death discovered on that day...

...The secret of the mechanism hidden behind how Dr. Saitō's mysterious death was connected to Dr. Masaki's appointment as professor of psychiatry...

...And the secret of the devil's hand of fate that drove Dr. Masaki to the decision of suicide on the same day a year ago...

...Furthermore, the secret of Dr. Wakabayashi's confusion of consciousness and psychological state, who explicitly stated that Dr. Masaki had committed suicide a month ago...

...And the great secret that governed everything, hidden behind all those secrets...

...Everything was the work of one person...

...Was it W... or M...

...The dark silence before an unspeakable terror, a stillness, as if everything would be revealed by Dr. Masaki's next word...

However, Dr. Masaki then started walking again as if nothing had happened, skipping the explanatory part I had feared and continuing his story.

"...Thus, when M took office at Kyūdai as Dr. Saitō's successor, this unprecedented experiment in academia was immediately carried out. The results were then presented before me like this."

"..............."

"...Therefore, W and M are currently equally guilty. Even if they claim not to be, there is no evidence to escape."

“……………”

“...That’s why I resolved myself. And, with the draft of the psycho-genetic appendix you just read, I completely concealed the truth of the Nao’okata incident. By bringing up the Rokurokubi and the Corpse Demon, and enduring repeated suffering, I managed to make the story coherent enough that it could be published as reference material for academic research without being considered a crime.”

“……………”

“...To bury such hidden circumstances as an absolute secret between the two of us... forgetting resentment and suspicion... for the sake of academia... for the sake of humanity...”

“……………”

“...This too, perhaps, could be called Bodhicitta. ...It must have been because I couldn't bear to see that insane figure of Wu Ichiro...”

Dr. Masaki’s voice, by this point, suddenly became tearful and drew closer to me. Just as I heard him sit down in a chair, he placed his pince-nez on the edge of the table, took out a handkerchief from his pocket, and tried to wipe away his tears.

However, at that moment, the trembling that had permeated my entire body inexplicably stopped. Instead, an indescribably unpleasant emotion, completely different from before, was stimulated by Dr. Masaki’s tearful voice and surged up from the pit of my stomach, and I couldn't do anything about it. I simply remained slumped over the desk in my previous posture, feeling a cold and detached indifference towards Dr. Masaki, as if I wanted to say, "Whatever you say or cry, do as you please. It has nothing to do with me, but I don't mind listening." This change in my psychological state was puzzling even in retrospect, and I didn't understand why it happened. However, since I remained slumped without moving, Dr. Masaki did not notice the change in my feelings.

Dr. Masaki cleared his throat lightly in front of me, and after seemingly composing himself, he began to speak, cutting off each word, this time in an extremely solemn tone.

"…But… there is one person here… a human named you…"

"……………"

"You are the successor to this project, chosen by Wakabayashi and me. …No… to be honest, Wakabayashi and I do not have the right to publicly announce the results of this project to society. Only you are the unique angel chosen to bear that sacred mission and sent before us. You do not know what that divine destiny is… you know absolutely nothing… you are a truly innocent and pure young man."

"……………"

"…This is none other than the truth. Both Wakabayashi and I, to be frank, do not want to announce the truth of this incident by falsifying it in this way. If possible, we would like the truth to be revealed by an appropriate third party after our deaths… That is the lifelong wish of us two, and a hope born from our conscience as pure scholars. Therefore, Wakabayashi and I, without needing to speak, are cooperating and putting all our effort into restoring your mind."

If you can regain your past memories and return to your former consciousness, you will surely realize that there is no successor to this work other than you. And you, in astonishment and emotion, will announce this unprecedented great research and surprise all of humanity. That announcement will instantly illuminate the dark age of madness since ancient times, fundamentally overturn the spiritual confusion of the entire world, and surely elevate this materialistic dark world of science into a world of light of spiritual culture.

Furthermore, it will prevent the rampant crime caused by the application of mental science, and not only will it prevent the lovely boy, Wu Ichiro, and other victims from being buried as futile sacrifices, but all of humanity will offer them gratitude and mourning. And finally, after our deaths, we are striving, shortening our limited remaining lives in an instant, while being confident that it will leave an eternal, unerasable sneer on our lips."

"……………"

“...However, considering your current state of mind, this might seem like a truly inexplicable and unreasonable request. You might misunderstand that Wakabayashi and I are trying to complete a fraudulent academic study using you as a substitute, and then publish it through fraudulent means. But... I swear by the spirits of heaven and earth. While there might be falsehoods in the private dealings between us, there is not a single falsehood in the academic experiment we are conducting, nor in the academic theory and principles that it is meant to prove. It is only in the form of the publication, which is unrelated to its content, that falsehood was inevitably mixed in, but even that has just now been corrected to its true form and reported to you.”

“Therefore, please believe us in this one thing above all else. You are, without a doubt, the sole person responsible for correcting the progress of this experiment to its true form and publishing it. That is, both Wakabayashi and I firmly believe that it will become clear, along with the recovery of your past memories, that you are the unique qualified person chosen by God's will to compile Wakabayashi's research documents and my will into a conclusion and present it to the academic world. No, not only us, but if people in general society were to ever learn your name, your name has appeared many times in the stories so far, and it should be quite memorable to the public. Just hearing that name, they would confirm that there is absolutely no one else more suitable for this task than you. That much is clearly evident. That is why, as soon as I learned that your mental state was recovering, I was able to write this will with peace of mind.”

However, the reason I decided to commit suicide was entirely different. It wasn't because the great tragedy that occurred yesterday at noon in that liberation therapy center stimulated my sense of responsibility, nor was it because this day happened to be Dr. Saitō's death anniversary, making me feel a kind of divine will or impermanence. To be honest, I grew to hate humans. I became unbearably fed up with the shallowness and vulgarity of the human world, where there's no other way to use one's intellect if one isn't engaged in research like this.

If it were research a little more clever, like blowing up this botched world with newly invented gunpowder, or hatching humans from frog eggs, that would be one thing. But to prove a simple and clear principle like psychological heredity, which even a triplet could understand, I have to endure such immense hardship that my legs feel like sticks. Even if I manage to prove the truth after being persistently entangled in all sorts of evil karma and falling into the torments of hell, what reward will remain? Far from being manipulated by my wife, children, and relatives and living a silent remainder of my life, the moment my research is released to the world will be the moment of my life's ruin. It will be the time when I am trampled, kicked, and spat upon as an outrageous scoundrel. ...This is precisely what "serves you right" means."

"..............."

"...I'm utterly disgusted with myself for not realizing until today that I would reach such a shameful, slovenly conclusion. I've grown tired of both humanity and being a scholar, and I want to return to being the original atom. To throw everything down before the other person..."

"..............."

“...My current feelings, of course, must be completely opposite to Wakabayashi's. Wakabayashi must be stubbornly clinging to this experiment, determined to fight me thoroughly. In particular, Wakabayashi knows that he himself has tuberculosis and has not much time left to live. Therefore, as soon as he saw that your mental state, which is supposed to undertake the announcement of the final conclusion of this case, has been recovering since this morning, he has been doing various things like cutting your hair, dressing you in student clothes, and introducing you to her, all in a hurry to make you recognize yourself as Go Ichiro as soon as possible and draw you to his side to make a convenient announcement. No, even now, he is stretching invisible nets above, below, left, and right of you and me, rapidly pulling us towards himself.”

“……………”

“...However, I originally didn't need to get involved in such a troublesome dispute. Anyway, I myself intended to become an electron or something and disappear like a shooting star, and I had entrusted a small amount of property to Wakabayashi along with the documents as a reward for announcing this truth, intending to have it returned to me after your mind recovered. The content of the announcement was also similar; as long as I understood the general gist of psychological heredity, the names of the criminals in the cases mentioned in the appendix didn't matter... I was in a mood of 'do whatever you want,' but...”

“...However, perhaps this is karma from a previous life... As I watched Wakabayashi, from a while ago, slowly and subtly giving you hypnotic suggestions in his unique way, trying to pull your mind in a direction convenient for him, my innate temper began to flare up. The transparent nature of Wakabayashi's tactics started to give me a shiver of disgust, so I decided to counterattack and came out here...”

...However, as I talk with you like this... it seems I've had a change of heart. Logic aside, everything has become incredibly troublesome. It's a desperate, sacrilegious job anyway. Let come what may. I've started to feel like destroying everything in one fell swoop...

...This shouldn't be happening...

...Today, right now, I will release you and that Moyoko from this hospital room. And I will burn all these documents, reducing them to nothing.

...I declare...

...The girl in Room Six, Moyoko, is by no means the girl destined to be the wife of the handsome young man standing in a corner of that liberation therapy ward. Both legally and morally, she is indeed the woman fated to be your future wife. I swear on the honor of Wakabayashi and my own profession that it is scientifically undeniable that she is the lovely girl who, as your better half, writhes daily in longing and loves you passionately.

...At the same time, from a professional standpoint, I will declare one more thing...

...Unless you do so... Unless you willingly enter into married life with Moyoko, Wakabayashi and I, no matter how much we struggle and try from the outside, you will not be able to escape your current self-disorder... 'Ego Amnesia.' I finally understand that now. It has become clear from the results of various experiments so far that this is the only way to save both Moyoko and yourself. ...Of course, I am not saying this to force you into anything. To recover from your current self-disorder, 'Ego Amnesia,' which stems from your firm life of celibacy, this is the most effective and final psychoscientific therapy. Regarding the principle of this therapy, even Freud in psychoanalysis and Steinach, a specialist in sexology, hold exactly the same view as I do....

...It will soon become clear that the effectiveness of this ultimate therapeutic measure is more certain than two plus two equals four. Proof is better than argument. The proof that my words are not all fiction will be infinitely recalled in your memory, which will recover as soon as she and you enter into a happy married life. It will be proven by your own clear realization that the events full of mystery and strangeness up until now were never related to the handsome young man who resembles you, smiling in a corner of his liberation therapy center. It will become clear in an instant, as vividly as flipping a light switch, that those astonishing events were directly related to you yourself. ...Because, as soon as you enter into a new married life with his daughter, you will be freed from the physiological cause that is currently accumulated and tense in your head... You will recall all at once the past memories that you could not remember no matter what. At the same time, you will see through to the very bottom of the truth of the incident that you doubt, are lost in, and are suffering from, and recall it... and you will let out a long sigh, saying, "I see... so that's how it was..." And, as soon as you enter into a truly happy family life, blessed both materially and spiritually, without even being asked by others, you will publish a true record of this incident, observed from your own rational and impartial standpoint, to the academic world, and at the same time, you will bring the reality of my and Wakabayashi's painstaking efforts to the judgment of justice, and through that publication, you will undoubtedly bring about a major turning point in the deviant evil culture of today, I once again swear on my professional name... for your and Moyoko-san's honor and happiness..."

"...No, you mustn't...!"

I suddenly sprang up with immense force. Trembling all over with fiery indignation, I rose from the swivel chair. I looked down at Dr. Masaki's face, which was agape and dumbfounded, gritted my teeth, and my lips trembled.

“...N-no... No, I refuse. ...I-I truly apologize. ...I-I absolutely refuse.”

“……………”

I could no longer stop all the unpleasant thoughts I had been desperately suppressing from overflowing from my mouth.

“...I-I might be mentally ill. ...I might have dementia. But I still have my self-respect. I intend to have a conscience. ...Even if she is the most beautiful person, I absolutely cannot be with a woman whose lover I cannot acknowledge myself, just for the sake of treatment. Even if I know it is correct legally, morally, and academically, my conscience will not agree. ...Even if that woman recognizes me as her rightful husband and yearns for me. As long as I don't have such memories... as long as I don't recover such memories, how could I do such a despicable, shameless thing? ...Moreover... moreover... such a filthy research presentation... W-who... H-huh...”

“...W-wait...”

Dr. Masaki, still seated, raised both hands, his face pale blue.

“...F-for the sake of academia...”

“...N-no... No... Absolutely not.”

Tears streamed incessantly from my eyes. Because of them, Dr. Masaki's face and the room's scenery became blurry, but I continued to shout without wiping my tears.

“What is academia? …What is research? What about foreign scientists? …I might be crazy, but I am Japanese. I am only conscious of having Japanese blood. I would rather die than be involved in such cruel, shameless foreign-style academic research or experiments. …If academic research absolutely requires such filthy, shameless acts, and if I am absolutely the person who must be involved in that research, then I will crush this head along with those past memories… right now…”

“...No... No... That's not it... Actually, you are... you are Wu Yilong's... Wu Yilong...”

Dr. Masaki’s composure gradually crumbled. His audacious complexion, which one would have thought would remain unfazed even if the world turned upside down, rapidly turned crimson, then instantly changed to a deathly pale. His posture, half-crouched with arms outstretched, and his flustered attempt to interrupt my words, wavered in my freshly flowing tears. However, I did not hear the end of his sentence.

“No, no. Whatever I am to Wu Yilong, whatever my circumstances, it’s all the same. To anyone who hears it, a crime is a crime.”

“……………”

"You teachers may do whatever you please with your academic research, and you may die or live as you wish. But what about the people of the Wu family, whom you have made tools for your academic research? The people of the Wu family did nothing wrong to you teachers, did they? On the contrary, while believing in you, respecting you, admiring you, and relying on you, they have been deceived and driven mad by you, haven't they? They have been made to bear children for academic experiments, children more terrifying than anything else in this world, haven't they? How will you teachers atone for the countless resentments of such people? ...How will you teachers restore the parents and lovers who loved each other to death, who were forcibly torn apart by your hands and made to suffer torments worse than hell? Are you saying that as long as you can conduct academic research, you don't care what happens to anything else?"

"..............."

"Even if you didn't lay a hand on them yourselves, it's the same thing. Do you think that if you have someone else announce your confession of guilt, everything will be canceled out? ...Do you think that merely being tormented by your conscience purifies your sins?"

"..............."

"...Isn't it... isn't it too cruel?"

"..............."

"...Te... Teacher...!"

I cried out, feeling dizzy, and instinctively braced myself with both hands on the large table. My vision blurred with fresh, hot tears, and I gasped for breath.

"...For heaven's sake... for heaven's sake... won't you accept that punishment? ...And... won't you ensure that the sacrifices of those poor people are not in vain? ...Gladly... with heartfelt gratitude, won't you let me undertake the announcement of that research?"

"..............."

"As a start to that punishment, I will bring Dr. Wakabayashi here and make him apologize in front of you. Whether it was out of resentment from love... why he did such a terrifying... cruel thing... I will make him confess..."

"..............."

"...And then, you and Dr. Wakabayashi, the two of you, please apologize to the victims. Go before the portrait of Professor Saitō, the grave of Chiyoko who was killed in Nōgata, and before that madman Goichirō, and Moyoko, and Oyashiro-san, and confess what you did to each and every one of them. Please apologize from the bottom of your hearts, both of you, saying it was for academic research..."

"..............."

"That is all I ask. ...Please... please... for the sake of your afterlife... I... am asking you... like this..."

"..............."

"...If you do that... I don't care what happens to me. I will give you my hands, my feet, my life, anything. ...If you tell me to take over this research... even if it takes my whole life... even if I bear all the sins..."

I couldn't bear it any longer and covered my face with both hands. Tears streamed out from between my fingers.

"...Such a cruel... cold-blooded crime... Oh... oh... my head is already..."

I collapsed onto the large table. Even though I tried not to make a sound, uncontrollable sobs escaped from beneath my hands.