Episode 8

by Muse · 2026-04-02

Ji-hoo looked as if he was angry for no reason. No, it was more like he was trying to be angry.

Ji-hoo: ...It's nothing.

Ji-hoo turned his gaze out the window.

Ji-hoo: It's just... it bothers me a little.

Me: Why does it bother you?

Ji-hoo: I don't know. It's just...

His answer was strangely short. Meaninglessly short, yet there was clearly some emotion in it.

Ji-hoo: You shower first.

Ji-hoo: You couldn't shower yesterday either.

I was about to go into the bathroom when I suddenly stopped.

Me: ...Ji-hoo.

Ji-hoo: Yes?

Me: This is... my first time showering as a man.

Ji-hoo: What??

Me: It's just... my heart suddenly feels strange. My body... it's a man's. My hands too...

I looked at the back of my hand. The thickened veins beneath the skin and the wrist that was more muscular than before.

Me: It's my body... but it doesn't feel like my body... I'm even scared to wash.

Ji-hoo stared at me for a long time. Then he approached very slowly.

Ji-hoo: It's okay.

He said, holding the doorframe.

Ji-hoo: No matter what you look like... you're still Ji-yoon.

Ji-hoo was the one speaking, but I didn't know why I felt suffocated. I slowly nodded my head.

Me: Just... stay by the door for a little while.

Ji-hoo: Okay. I'll be here.

As I closed the door and felt his presence nearby, a familiar sense of relief washed over me.

The fact that I was leaning on a man with a woman's heart in a man's body felt strange, and sad...

But somehow, it was warm.

After the shower,

As I came out drying my hair, Ji-hoo got up from the sofa and approached me.

Ji-hoo: How are you feeling?

Me: ...I'm okay. My body is fine.

Ji-hoo looked at the ends of my hair and said softly.

Ji-hoo: Don't... stay with your hair this wet.

Then he took the towel and began to dry my hair himself. At that moment, I felt like my heart was going to drop to the floor.

Me: Ji-hoo...

Ji-hoo: Yes.

Me: Why... are you so kind?

Ji-hoo said, not stopping his hands.

Ji-hoo: …I don't know. Just… because it's you?

Those words were too close under the candlelight. Too honest, too dangerous.

I closed my eyes. My heart pounded inside the man's body. The beat seemed to rise to behind my ears. My breath grew hotter.

A moment later, we were still in the same room. Each of us having showered, we wafted the scent of cheap shampoo at each other.

A cramped space.

One bed.

One sofa.

With the lighting low, only silence filled the room.

And piercing that silence, a faint sound from the next room. A man and woman laughing, then their breaths mingling low, followed by the repeated sound of a bed frame. I couldn't say a word. I felt my face heating up. My ears kept burning.

Ji-hoo also turned his head and awkwardly cleared his throat for a moment.

Ji-hoo: …Ha.

And then he suddenly stood up.

Ji-hoo: I'll go buy… a beer.

Ji-hoo: Wait.

His voice was strangely cracked.

Me: ……Okay.

My answer was also low, as if it wasn't my own voice.

The door closed, and after he left, the room became even quieter.

The bed,

the lighting,

and me, now a man.

I hugged my knees.

Why is it… getting so strange?

It's not that I want to be a man. My feelings as a woman are still the same. Just because my body changed doesn't mean my heart immediately flows in a different direction, but when Ji-hoo was close, my heart wavered. More today than yesterday, and more right now than today. My heart being a woman hasn't changed, so why do I feel so differently towards Ji-hoo?

I heard the sound of the door opening. It was Ji-hoo. Two cans of beer in a plastic bag. He pretended to be normal as usual, but I saw his fingertips tremble slightly as he closed the door.

I: Why did it take you so long?

I asked as casually as possible.

Ji-hoo: There were… a lot of people at the checkout.

It was a lie. There was no one around here. Ji-hoo knew it, and I knew it too. Ji-hoo sat next to me. As he handed me a beer can, his fingers lightly brushed mine. At that moment, both of us paused simultaneously. It wasn't like sparks were flying, so why did it feel so hot?

Ji-hoo pulled his hand away first. His ears were slightly red.

Ji-hoo: Ji-yoon-ah.

I: …Huh?

Ji-hoo: No matter how much you become a man, inside you're still Ji-yoon. I will always treat you as Ji-yoon.

I: Yeah, but what's that sudden remark about?

Ji-hoo gave an awkward laugh and picked up a can of beer.

Ji-hoo: …Just. Let's not say anything right now.

I: Okay.

His words were so tender that they hurt even more.

When I opened the can, there was a light 'pop' sound.

Then, we sat closer without saying a word. The tension was palpable without needing words.

A tremor that I wanted to pretend not to know, even though I knew it was there.

A man and a man.

But I was still a woman, and Ji-hoo's heart knew that fact.

So, neither of us said anything. We knew that if we spoke now, there would be no turning back.

The night slowly deepened, with our breaths brushing against each other.

*** *** ***

The clinic lobby looked bright and warm, bathed in the afternoon sunlight. But the back of my neck felt cold. Avoiding the crowded lobby like last time, I entered the clinic office through the back door. As I opened the door, Ra-eun smiled brightly, as if she had been waiting.

Jeong Ra-eun: Ji-yoon. You're here? Come in.

A smooth silhouette falling below a white gown. A quiet smile. A warm voice. It was a warmth completely different from Ji-hoo's.

I swallowed. My chest tightened a little. As the examination room door closed, the air felt slightly different.

Jeong Ra-eun: How are you feeling today?

Jeong Ra-eun: Ra-eun asked first.

Me: A little… awkward. My body.

Jeong Ra-eun: Of course. Right now, your body is maintaining a… strange balance of male and female hormones. It's an area that's difficult to explain medically.

Ra-eun carefully took my arm and wrapped the blood pressure cuff around it, speaking.

Jeong Ra-eun: But… for me to accurately assess your condition, I need 'honesty.'

Me: Honesty?

Jeong Ra-eun: Your heart, too.

I instantly lowered my gaze. My heart pounded within the man's chest. Ra-eun held the stethoscope and came close to my nape. At that moment, her breath brushing through my hair was so close and warm that a chill ran down my spine.

Jeong Ra-eun: Your heart rate... is a little fast.

Ra-eun whispered.

Me: Ah... I walked quickly from outside.

Jeong Ra-eun: It wouldn't be like this just from that.

She smiled gently and met my eyes.

Jeong Ra-eun: It's okay. It's natural to be nervous.

The stethoscope was placed on my chest. It was cold, and too careful. My whole body twitched subtly every time she lifted and placed it.

Why am I... like this right now?

I am a man. No, my body is a man's. But my heart is still a woman's. And a woman's touch... shouldn't feel like this, should it? Ra-eun flipped through her tablet and said,

Jung Ra-eun: Ji-yoon, I've done some research through various channels these past few days.

Me: Research?

Jung Ra-eun: Hmm.

A subtle answer, neither informal nor formal. She turned her tablet screen. The logo of a specific pharmaceutical company. Strangely familiar phrases. Notes in notebook format.

Jung Ra-eun: It seems what the pharmaceutical company was trying to do was create an addictive skin care kit. They recklessly used hormone preparations for noticeable changes.

After saying that much, her gaze shifted from the laptop to me.

Jung Ra-eun: However, a case like yours, Ji-yoon, where a sex change occurs, is medically 'impossible'. No matter how many scenarios I consider or cases I look for, there are no precedents.

I teared up a little.

Me: Th-then I...

Jung Ra-eun: No, it's impossible to turn you back into the old Ji-yoon.

Me: Does that mean I have to live as a man?

Ra-eun nodded.

Jung Ra-eun: Your hormone levels and everything else are stabilizing now. You are a complete male.

I felt like crying. No, to her, my eyes must have already been filled with tears.

Worry, pity, and... a strange favor.

That's what I felt in her eyes.

After the consultation, Ra-eun said.

Jung Ra-eun: By any chance... are you free today?

Me: Huh?

Jung Ra-eun: Let's have dinner together. I don't want to leave you alone, Ji-yoon.

Her words kept sounding dangerous.