Fourteen to fifteen

by Natsume Sōseki

I took a deep breath after the young lady left. However, at the same time, feelings of dissatisfaction and guilt crossed my mind. Perhaps I had been feminine in some way. From the perspective of today's youth, it would likely appear even more so. However, at that time, we were mostly like that.

The lady rarely went out. Even when she occasionally left the house, she never left the young lady and me alone together. I couldn't tell if that was by chance or intentional. It might sound strange coming from me, but when I closely observed the lady's behavior, it sometimes seemed like she wanted to bring the young lady and me closer together. However, at times, I also felt that she was wary of me, so facing such a situation for the first time made my heart flutter at times.

I wanted the lady's attitude to be clear one way or the other. Logically, it was an obvious contradiction. However, with the recent memory of being betrayed by my uncle still fresh, I couldn't help but harbor deeper doubts. I speculated that one of the lady's attitudes was genuine while the other was false, but I was left confused in my judgment and couldn't understand why she would act so strangely or what it meant. Even when I tried to think of reasons, nothing came to mind, and there were times I endured it by attributing the blame to the word "woman." In the end, I thought, this is how it is because she is a woman; women are foolish anyway, and my thoughts reached a dead end.

Despite looking down on women to such an extent, I simply could not look down on the young lady. My reasoning did not apply at all in front of that person. I held a love for her that was almost akin to faith. You might be surprised to see me apply this word I use for religion to a young woman, but I still firmly believe that true love is not so different from a sense of spirituality. Every time I saw the young lady's face, I felt as if I was becoming beautiful myself. When I thought of the young lady, it seemed that a noble feeling would immediately transfer to me. If love, that mysterious thing, has two ends, with the high end operating with sacred emotions and the low end driven by lust, then my love certainly captured that high extreme. Of course, I had a physical body as a human, but my eyes when looking at the young lady and my heart when thinking of her were completely devoid of any fleshly scent.

I held resentment towards my wife while my feelings for my child grew stronger, making the relationship among the three of us gradually more complex than when we first started living together. However, that change was mostly internal and did not manifest outwardly. In the midst of this, a certain trigger led me to feel that I might have misunderstood my wife until now. I began to reconsider that my wife's contradictory attitude towards me might not be false on either side. Moreover, I started to think that these feelings did not alternate in dominating my wife's heart, but rather that both existed simultaneously in her heart at all times. In other words, while my wife seemed to be trying to bring her daughter closer to me, she was also adding caution towards me, which appeared contradictory; however, I observed that when she added that caution, she did not forget or overturn one of the attitudes, and she still wanted to bring the two of us closer together. I interpreted this as her disliking the two of us becoming too close beyond what she deemed acceptable. Since I had no desire to approach her daughter from a physical standpoint, I thought at that time that it was an unnecessary worry. However, my negative feelings towards my wife disappeared after that.

I examined my wife's attitude in various ways and confirmed that I was sufficiently trusted in this household. Moreover, I even found evidence that this trust had existed since our first meeting. This discovery sounded somewhat strange to my heart, which had begun to doubt others. I thought that women might be more intuitive than men. At the same time, I wondered if this was where women were deceived for the sake of men. It was strange to think that while I observed my wife in this way, I was also strongly applying the same intuition towards her daughter. I had vowed in my heart not to trust others, yet I absolutely trusted her daughter. Yet, I found it odd that my wife trusted me.

I did not talk much about my hometown. In particular, I said nothing about the recent incident. Just thinking about it made me feel a kind of discomfort. I tried to listen only to my wife’s side of the story as much as possible, but she was not aware of that. She was curious about the circumstances of my hometown at every opportunity. In the end, I ended up telling her everything. I will never return to my hometown. When I told her that there was nothing there, only the graves of my father and mother, she seemed very moved. The young lady cried. I felt glad that I had spoken and was happy.

After hearing all of my story, my wife began to wear a face that seemed to say her intuition had been correct. From then on, she treated me as if I were a young relative of hers or something like that. I was not angry at all. Rather, I felt somewhat pleased. However, before long, my suspicion began to sprout again.

The moment I began to doubt my wife was due to something very trivial. However, as I piled up those trivial matters, my suspicion gradually took root. For some reason, I began to think that my wife was trying to bring the young lady closer to me in the same way as my uncle. Then, the person who had seemed kind until now suddenly appeared to me as a cunning schemer. I bit my bitter lips.

From the beginning, my wife had openly stated that she would leave guests in this lonely and deserted place and take care of them. I did not think that was a lie either. Even after becoming close and confiding various stories, her words felt undeniably true. However, the general economic situation was by no means prosperous. Considering the interests involved, having a special relationship with me was certainly not a loss for her.

I became even more vigilant. However, what does it matter how much I increase my vigilance against that mother, when I have such strong affection for my daughter? I mocked myself alone. There were times I called myself "fool." Yet, if it were only that contradiction, no matter how foolish I was, I would have managed to avoid significant pain. My distress began with the suspicion that, like my wife, the young lady might also be a schemer. The thought that the two of them might be plotting behind my back and planning everything makes me suddenly feel unbearably suffocated. It is not just unpleasant. It feels as if I am in a deadlock, as if I am in a life-or-death situation. Still, on the other hand, I firmly believed in the young lady without a doubt. Therefore, I found myself standing in the gap between conviction and hesitation, unable to move even a little. Both were imagination, and both were true.