One to three

by Natsume Sōseki

When I got home, surprisingly, I noticed that my father's condition hadn't changed much since the last time I saw him.

“Ah, you’re back. I see, it’s good that you graduated after all. Just wait a moment, I’ll wash my face now.”

My father was doing something in the garden. Behind his old straw hat, a dirty handkerchief tied for shade fluttered as he went around to the back where the well was.

I had been thinking that it was natural for an ordinary person to graduate from school, but I felt embarrassed in front of my father, who was more pleased than I had expected.

“I’m glad you graduated.”

My father repeated this phrase many times. In my heart, I was comparing my father's joy with the face of my teacher when I was told "Congratulations" at the teacher's house on the night of the graduation ceremony. While the teacher congratulated me with words, deep down, they seemed to belittle it, appearing more noble than my father, who found it to be such a big deal. Gradually, I began to feel discomfort from my father's rusticity stemming from his ignorance.

“Graduating from university isn’t such a big deal. Every year, hundreds of people graduate.”

Finally, I ended up saying such words. Then, my father made a strange face.

“Just because you graduated doesn’t mean that’s all there is to it. Certainly, graduating is a wonderful thing, but what I’m saying has a bit more meaning. If only you could understand that…”

I tried to listen to what my father had to say next, but he seemed reluctant to talk. However, he finally said this.

“In other words, it means that I am happy. As you know, I am sick. Last winter, when I met you, I thought that I might not be in this world by March or April. Yet, for some reason, I am still here today. I can get up without any trouble. And then you graduated. That’s why I am happy. As a parent, it is more joyful for me that my son graduates while he is still healthy than after I am gone. From your perspective, which has big ideas, it might seem trivial to be happy about graduating from university, but from my standpoint, it means something different. In other words, graduation is more significant for me than it is for you. Do you understand?”

I had no words. I was bowing my head, feeling more embarrassed than apologetic. My father seemed to be calmly prepared for his own death. And he probably had resolved that he would die before I graduated. I was completely foolish for not considering how much that graduation would resonate in my father's heart. I took out my diploma from my bag and showed it to my father and mother with great care. The certificate had been crushed and had lost its original shape. My father carefully smoothed it out.

“You shouldn’t bring something like this rolled up.”

“You should have put some heart into it,” my mother also remarked from the side.

After looking at it for a while, my father stood up and placed the certificate in a prominent spot in the alcove. Normally, I would have said something right away, but at that moment, I was completely different from usual. I had no desire to oppose my father or mother at all. I silently let my father do what he wanted. Once the certificate had a crease, it was difficult to get it to lie the way my father wanted. As soon as it was placed in a suitable position, it seemed like it was about to fall over naturally.

I called my mother aside and asked about my father's condition.

“Dad seems to be so lively going out into the garden, but is that really okay?”

"It seems like nothing is wrong now. Most likely, he's getting better."

Mother was surprisingly calm. As is common for women living in the forests and rice fields far from the city, she was completely ignorant about such matters. Even so, I felt a different emotion within me, considering how shocked and worried I was when Father fainted last time.

"But the doctor declared at that time that it was utterly difficult, didn't he?"

"That's why I think there is nothing as mysterious as the human body. Even though the doctor said it in such a serious tone, he has been doing well until now. Mother was worried at first and thought to keep him from moving as much as possible, but with her temperament, you know. She takes care of herself, but she's stubborn. Once she believes something is good for her, she hardly listens to what I say."

I recalled the appearance and attitude of Father, whom I forced to get up from bed to shave when I returned recently. When I thought about the words he said, "It's fine now, it's not good for Mother to worry too much," I couldn't bring myself to blame only Mother. "But we have to pay a little attention too," I wanted to say, but in the end, I hesitated and said nothing. I just talked to her about the nature of Father's illness as much as I knew. However, most of that information was merely what I had obtained from the doctor and his wife. Mother didn't seem particularly moved. She just asked, "Oh, so he has the same illness. That's unfortunate. I wonder how old he will be when he passes away."

I had no choice but to leave Mother as she was and went directly to Father. Father listened to my concerns more seriously than Mother did. "That's true. You're right. However, in the end, my body is my own, and regarding the care of this body, based on many years of experience, I should know best," he said. Upon hearing that, Mother smiled wryly. "See, I told you," she said.

“But, you see, Dad has already made up his mind about it. The fact that he is so happy about my graduation when I return is entirely because of that. He thought he wouldn't be able to see me graduate while he was alive, but since I am bringing back my diploma while I am still healthy, he said that makes him happy.”

“Well, you say that, but deep down, you still think everything will be fine.”

“Is that so?”

“You still intend to live for another ten or twenty years. That said, there are times when I feel a bit anxious too. At this rate, I probably won't last long. If I were to die, what would you do? Do you plan to stay alone in this house?”

At my father's words, I suddenly imagined what it would be like when he is gone. My mother left alone in the spacious countryside house. What will happen to this house after my father is gone? What will my brother do? What will my mother think? While pondering these things, I became anxious about whether I could live comfortably in Tokyo. Looking at my mother in front of me, I remembered the teacher's words to take what I can while my father is still healthy.

“Those who say they are going to die usually don't, so don't worry. Your father, while saying he is going to die, could still live for many more years. It's the silent, strong people who are more dangerous.”

I listened quietly to my mother's words. I felt that behind those seemingly cliché words, which seemed to come from logic or statistics, there were deep feelings hidden within her.

After that, a discussion arose between my father and mother about inviting guests and cooking red rice for my sake. I had feared that this would happen from the very day I returned, so I immediately declined.

“Please don't make such a big fuss.”

I disliked the guests from the countryside. They were people who came with the purpose of drinking and eating, and they all had an attitude of being fine with anything as long as it was good. Since I was a child, I felt uneasy being at their table. Moreover, when it came to them coming for my sake, my pain seemed to increase even more. However, I couldn't say in front of my father and mother that I wanted them to stop gathering and making noise like that. So, I simply insisted that it was "exaggerated."

"Even if you say it's exaggerated, it's not exaggerated at all. It's only natural to invite guests for something that happens once in a lifetime. You don't have to be so reserved."

My mother seemed to regard my graduation from university as being just as significant as if I had gotten married.

"You don't have to invite them, but if you don't, they'll say something again."

This was my father's words. He was concerned about their gossip. In fact, they were the type of people who would quickly want to say something if things didn't go as they expected in such cases.

"Unlike Tokyo, the countryside is noisy."

My father also said this.

"It's also for your father's sake," my mother added further.

I couldn't be stubborn, so I thought I would somehow try to accommodate both of their wishes.

"In other words, I just want you to stop for my sake. If the reason is that you don't want to be talked about behind your back, that's a different story. It wouldn't make sense for me to insist on something that would be disadvantageous to you."

"When you put it that way, it becomes troublesome."

My father made a bitter face.

"I'm not saying that I'm doing this for your sake, but you understand the obligation to society, right?"

When it came to this, my mother, being a woman, said things in a stammering manner. In terms of the number of words, even if my father and I were combined, we couldn't match her.

"When you educate someone, they inevitably become logical."

My father only said this much. However, within that simple word, I sensed all the dissatisfaction he usually held towards me. At that moment, I was unaware of the sharpness in my own way of speaking, and my father's complaints seemed unreasonable.

That night, my father was considerate again, asking me when would be convenient if we were to invite guests. There was no good or bad convenience; it was just that I was idly sleeping and waking in the old house, and for him to ask such a question was the same as him yielding. I bowed my head in front of this gentle father. After consulting with him, we decided on the date for the invitation.

Before that date arrived, a significant event occurred. It was the report of Emperor Meiji's illness. This incident, which spread throughout Japan in the newspapers, blew away my graduation celebration, which was slowly coming together in a rural house, like dust.

“Well, it seems better to refrain.”

My father, wearing glasses and looking at the newspaper, said this. He seemed to be silently considering his own illness as well. I recalled the figure of His Majesty, who had attended the graduation ceremony at the university as usual just the other day.