I mourn myself.

by Muse · 2026-04-02

The second basement floor of the hospital.

As soon as the elevator doors opened, a pungent smell hit my nose.

The smell of incense. The smell of yukgaejang. And the damp smell of chrysanthemums.

It was a smell I had grown tired of, but never thought would become my own.

Manager Choi: I'll go slowly, Seol-ah.

Manager Choi carefully pushed the wheelchair.

The sound of the wheels rolling on the marble floor seemed unusually loud.

Drrrk, drrrk.

I hung my head low.

To be honest, I was embarrassed.

Look, aren't some people already staring at me as if I'm a novelty?

A beautiful girl in a wheelchair at my own funeral? What kind of morning drama setup is this?

At the end of the hallway, a sign that read 'Special Room No. 3' was visible.

A few wreaths were placed forlornly at the entrance.

'May the deceased rest in peace.'

Still, it's my funeral, so wreaths are coming. I scanned the names of the senders.

'President of the Korea Mixed Martial Arts Association'

'Director Lee Dae-su of Cheongho Gym'

'...Manager Kim of Happy Capital'

...Hey, why did that old man, Manager Kim, send one? I paid off all my debts, didn't I? He's not trying to lie that I didn't pay the interest, is he?

Even in death, creditors are terrifying.

And the moment I turned my head, my jaw dropped.

A procession of the highest-grade, three-tiered wreaths, much taller than me, completely filled the other wall of the funeral hall.

'Baek Do-hoon, CEO of Baeksan Group'

'OOO, President of Baeksan Construction'

'All executives and employees of Baeksan Electronics'

...

All unfamiliar names.

No, I've heard the name Baeksan Group. I remember it being a big deal in the news a few months ago, something about entering the top 100 companies in Korea.

'Wait, my current name is Baek Seol-ah, right?'

The chairman of Baeksan Group's surname is Baek, and my name is also Baek.

Only then did the puzzle pieces fit together.

Perhaps this child named 'Baek Seol-ah' belongs to that very Baeksan Group.

Then this situation makes sense. From their perspective, I would be the savior who died in place of their cherished daughter.

This luxurious funeral is a form of compensation. The special room rental fee, the highest-grade burial shroud, and even those expensive wreaths.

Seol-ah: Wow... As expected of a large corporation chairman, the scale is different.

In return for saving his daughter, he's giving me a funeral fit for an emperor.

It would be even better if he also provided a generous amount of cash as condolence money.

Oh, right. I don't have any surviving family to receive it.

Damn it, I'm so frustrated I want to open the coffin lid and get out.

As soon as I entered the entrance, all eyes were on me.

No, to be precise, the air stopped.

Because the exterior was grand and the interior was spacious, the funeral hall felt even more desolate.

The only guests were a bunch of junior and senior martial artists huddled in a corner, drinking soju.

But the moment I appeared, those intimidating men all gaped and froze.

It was understandable. This place was currently a 'den of machos.'

Their ears were crushed like dumplings, their noses had been broken once or twice, and their forearms were thicker than my thighs.

Among these beasts, with an average weight of 150kg and a 120% scowl index, a 'sickly angelic beauty' suddenly appeared in a wheelchair.

It was like an elf mistakenly wandering into an orc's den.

Seol-ah: ......

Silence.

Someone dropped their chopsticks.

I ignored their gazes and looked straight ahead.

And I held my breath.

There it was.

The portrait, buried in a flower grave.

Inside the frame, adorned with a black ribbon, I was smiling.

That awkward smile I forced during the last profile shoot.

[The late Kim Cheol-su (36 years old)]

The age written next to the name felt so unfamiliar.

Thirty-six. Still in his prime.

Still hadn't done much.

Still hadn't gotten married.

'...I really did go, didn't I.'

My mind went blank.

Until now, it had just felt like a nightmare, but the moment I saw my face, reality felt like a slap across the cheek.

That's me over there, and this is me here.

This bizarre sense of dissociation made my chest churn.

I stared blankly at my face for a very long time.

I couldn't take my eyes off it.

It was then.

I heard a sniffle beside me.

Aunt: ...Hoo-hoo.

It was my aunt.

She dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief and murmured.

Aunt: Oh my... such a young person... to save our Seol-ah...

Ah, that's right.

To people's eyes right now, I must look like a 'girl in shock, lost in thought.'

In reality, I'm an 'old man shocked that my portrait for the funeral came out so badly.'

I tried my best to control my expression.

Because I couldn't shout, "Hey! Why didn't you Photoshop the picture!" here.

Just then, a man wearing a chief mourner's armband approached.

His black suit looked like it would burst from his build. His eyes were swollen.

It was Kang Ji-hoon.

My gym junior, a guy I cherished like a younger brother.

Seol-ah: ...Thank you for coming.

Ji-hoon's voice was cracked.

Hearing that voice, tears welled up in my eyes too.

Ah, I can't cry in front of my junior, how embarrassing.

He looked at me, no, at Seol-ah, then flinched and took a step back.

It seems he found such a small, white, dazzling presence overwhelming.

I gripped the wheelchair handles tightly.

A sudden urge surged to stand up right away and smash his broad back, saying, "Hey, you punk. Why are you being so melodramatic? Your hyung isn't dead!"

But my hands were too small and delicate.

Even if I hit him with these hands, it wouldn't even be a massage.

I suppressed my surging instincts and bowed my head in greeting.

Ji-hoon awkwardly shuffled, unbefitting his large build.

The guy who usually rampaged like a beast in the ring is a gentle lamb in front of a high school girl.

Seol-ah: I heard... you died in my place.

Kang Ji-hoon: ......

Seol-ah: I'm sorry. And... thank you.

Though the words came from my mouth, they felt so cheesy.

But as soon as Ji-hoon heard them, he seemed to choke up and bit his lip tightly.

Large teardrops fell one by one.

Kang Ji-hoon: No… Brother… No, Cheol-su hyung would also… think it's a relief that the student is safe. He was always that kind of person.

'Hey, don't cry. You're too big for that.'

I yelled inwardly, but seeing his tears made my nose tingle too.

The old me was someone who rarely cried. No, it would be fair to say I lived forgetting how to cry.

But now, perhaps because of my current condition, tears fell without me realizing it.

My aunt wiped my tears with a handkerchief.

Ah, Aunt. I can wipe my own tears.

Still, I guess I haven't lived my life completely in vain. There's even someone who cries for me so genuinely.

Just then, a crashing sound was heard from behind.

Director Park: Oh dear, a distinguished guest has arrived!

A group approached, reeking of alcohol. They were my fighting colleagues.

There was 'Grizzly Bear' Director Park, whose ears were crumpled like dumplings, and 'Viper' Choi, whose nose was crooked.

They were all the 'monster' uncles I knew.

As they approached, Chief Choi reacted immediately.

Thud. He stood in front of me, blocking them, his eyes gleaming.

Chief Choi: Step back.

Ah, mister. These aren't bad people. Don't worry.

I was saying that inwardly, but it wasn't something I could actually say out loud.

The atmosphere instantly turned chilling.

Bodyguards in black suits vs. burly MMA fighters. What is this, an action movie?

Director Park chuckled and waved his hand.

Director Park: Oh dear, how scary. I'm not trying to harm you. I just wanted to see the face of the young lady our Cheol-su saved with his life.

Director Park clicked his tongue, looking at me.

Director Park: Tsk, tsk. She was such a young lady? That Cheol-su, he really did something typical of him even when he left.

Typical of him?

I tilted my head inwardly.

I wasn't known for saving people, was I? Rather, I was known for beating people in the ring.

Or did he mean I was attracted to pretty women?

Just then, an old gentleman who had been quietly in the corner stood up.

In a worn suit, with salt-and-pepper hair.

It was the director of our orphanage.

Director: Ji-hoon, tell them not to be rude to our guest.

The director's voice was soft but had power.

The seniors recognized the director and slowly backed away.

The director slowly approached my wheelchair.

His face was wrinkled. He looked much older than I remembered.

He was always the one who nagged me, saying, 'You rotten rascal, earn your keep.'

Now, his eyes were full of tears.

Looking at that voice, that face, tears welled up.

Director: Haha, you're a young lady who cries a lot. Please stop crying.

The director knelt in front of me to meet my gaze.

His warm, rough hand covered my small hand.

Director: Are you… Seol-ah?

Seol-ah: …Yes.

Director: Thank you for coming all this way. You must not be feeling well.

The director patted my hand.

That touch was so familiar that I almost teared up again.

Director: Our Cheol-su… he was a truly kind boy.

'…Huh?'

For a moment, I doubted my ears.

Kind? Who? Me?

Director, I broke the director's office window three times when I was little, remember?

The director gazed into the distance, continuing to speak as if telling a fairy tale.

Director: Though he looked like a bandit, his heart was as soft as silk. He was a delicate child who couldn't even pluck a single flower carelessly, even from a young age.

'…You're lying.'

I inwardly scoffed.

He didn't not pluck flowers; he went to steal bread from the snack bar instead.

Director: He was like an angel, unable to pass by a stray cat without making sure to feed it…

'That was left out for the mice to eat!'

The director's embellishment skills were maxed out.

Ji-hoon, who was next to me, chimed in, "That's right, hyung-nim was… an angel."

Hey, Kang Ji-hoon. Did you forget you almost lost your teeth sparring with me? Was that an angel's fist?

But I couldn't refute it.

Right now, I was 'Pure and Delicate Baek Seol-ah.'

The director looked at me with profound eyes and said,

Director: Even at that moment, Cheol-su must have jumped in because he was worried about you, miss. He was always a foolish boy who didn't spare himself for others.

...That's. That's somewhat true.

A foolish guy. A guy who acts without thinking.

I don't know why the director's praise, mixed with lies, stings my heart so much.

It's an exaggeration, an obvious lie.

But the affection contained within it was so deep that my throat felt hot.

Seol-ah: ...I'm sorry.

I bowed my head.

This time, it wasn't an act.

I'm sorry for going before the director. I'm sorry for not being able to properly show filial piety even once. I'm sorry for coming in this unfamiliar form and not even being able to call you 'father.'

The director smiled and stood up.

Director: No, it's not your fault, young lady. Cheol-su would... wish for you to live healthily like this more than anything. Because that's the last gift he left behind.

The last gift.

A gift I gave myself without realizing it?

That word struck my heart with a thud.

I lifted my head and looked at myself in the portrait again.

Yes. Kim Cheol-su is dead. But the life Kim Cheol-su saved is here.

This small, weak body. This is the price of my life.

'...Yes, I understand, Director.'

I answered inwardly.

I'll try to live, then. With this precious body.

Since I've received a gift, I should live tenaciously until I get my money's worth.

Seol-ah: May I... pay my respects?

At my words, Ji-hoon was startled and made way.

Kang Ji-hoon: Ah, yes! Of course! This way...

Director Choi pushed the wheelchair forward to the altar.

He picked up a single white chrysanthemum. His hand trembled slightly.

He placed the flower on the altar. The scent of incense wafted strongly.

I closed my eyes and bid farewell to myself.

'Goodbye, Kim Cheol-su.'

'You've worked hard.'

'In the next life... no, in this life, let's live a bit more splendidly.'

When I opened my eyes, the me in the portrait seemed to be smiling a little more comfortably than before.

(Of course, it was just my imagination. The photo couldn't possibly have changed.)

As I turned to leave, I heard some rough-looking men whispering behind me.

"Hey, but that young lady... isn't she really pretty?"

"She's an angel, an angel. Brother Cheol-su really saved someone properly."

"I'd like her to be my sister-in-law... Ugh!"

"You crazy bastard, she's a child. Brother Cheol-su will come chasing you as a ghost."

...These bastards? How dare they covet my body?

If I come back to life, I'll give each of you a low kick.

I growled inwardly, but outwardly, I sat in the wheelchair with the saddest expression in the world.

On the way out of the funeral home.

The wailing behind me sounded particularly mournful.

But my heart was beating more vigorously than ever.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

As if telling me that it was just the beginning.

Goodbye, Kim Cheol-su.

No, goodbye, Kim Cheol-su's body.

Goodbye, Kim Cheol-su's life.